Culture shock

I've been back for a month, and am still trying to process all the emotions of such a culture change. I am glad to be back in the States, but sad because there doesn't seem to be the hunger for Truth here that there is in other places. Maybe it's because we are not needy -- there is very little opportunity to depend on God. There is little need for us in our self-sufficient worlds to figure in the existence of a God who provides for our every need. We are decieved into thinking that we do it ourselves. God has provided in so many more ways than materially. He has provided friendships that are from Him, a family who loves me for who I am.
I am convinced that God can do what He says He can do, and that He is who He says He is. Open my mouth, Lord, and fill it with good things!

Greek to me

I FINALLY DID IT!!!! I know a lot of you must be wondering what "it" is, and so I'll tell you. I spent the week in clinic without an interpreter, just me talking to the Brazilians and them talking to me (which was, of course, quite interesting at times). I am so excited that after 5 months of being here, I could actually do that. Now before you get any ideas, my "expertise" in the language doesn't stray very far outside of the world of pharmacy. You know, "Take 1 tablet 3 times daily with food." But what a blessing to be able to do even that!
Some Brazilians were talking the other night about how when I got here, I would just nod at everything. True statement. I understood almost nothing and caught a word here and there. Now, I am catching more words and understanding much more of the "sentido" or feeling (intent?) of a sentence. My roommate and I go back and forth, and when there is not a good word in Portuguese (or we don't know it), we say it in English, and vice versa. I think that it will be quite frustrating for me when I get home, because very few people will understand what I am trying to say....

Changing my mind (again)

I told a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago that I'd love a how-to book to prep us all on how to handle life's every situation. I have changed my mind. I am learning that if I get too many how-to's at one time, I get entirely overwhelmed at how little I can actually follow them. Don't get me wrong; I can follow directions step by step, even if they are in another language. I can program the VCR (if I have the instruction booklet). I can read a subway map, whether it be in New York City or London or Paris or Rio (buses are probably a different story -- haven't tried yet). But when it comes to "how to improve your life" or "8 secrets to happy friendships" or "how not to get overwhelmed," I am struck by the fact that every set of "how-to" instructions in life purports that they are the secret to happiness, and that if we hold to a set of principles that we will be (fill-in-the-blank here). What I am learning is that regardless of how well we follow the principles, we should always begin with seeking the Lord and what He has to say on the subject. Of course, that's where the Bible comes in, but it's seen by so many people as just a book of rules. Hmmph. The "rules" are only given in 4 books, and they were among the very earliest written! Point being, of course, that the people complaining about the "rules" are missing the whole point. Besides, haven't people heard of the New Testament? Hello! What rubs people the wrong way? The fact that Jesus told people to go and sin no more after He forgave them? Meaning, of course, that they can't live the way that they once did -- they are faced with the choice of whether to follow Jesus or go back to their old ways. Jim Elliot said that Jesus is a "crisis man." That He brought people to decision. One cannot walk away from Him unchanged, and the man who does is very sad, indeed (like the rich young ruler).
So, back on the original subject.... The Bible -- the Law, specifically, shows us where we fall short of the holiness of God. It was designed that way. Maybe that's why Martin Luther said that if we sin we should sin boldly. I don't know. Still thinking on that one. Righteousness came before the Law -- Abraham (and even Noah) was righteous before the Law was given. Did they sin (maybe the better question is were they ever disobedient)? Yes, but they believed God, and THAT was credited to them for righteousness. They had a living, dynamic relationship with their Creator. Instead of being a book of "rules," the Bible is designed to show us our Creator the way that He really is -- holy and faithful and just and compassionate (and if I keep going this will get way too long, but you get the point). And, of course, that shows us humans the way that we really are, but we have a great hope. We have the opportunity to have Christ live through us and in us. So few people actually understand that, and I mean KNOW it, not just read it in the Bible. How do we do it? Sometimes I'm still not sure. I just know that all the trying in the world is not going to make me righteous or do what it is that I need to do simply because it's right. Only Christ can do that, and only then when I allow Him to enter every part of my life. People get discouraged when they do wrong, or when they don't feel "good enough," but what they do not realize (and I still need to hear it sometimes!) is that their trying is not going to make them good enough. Many times, only getting to the end of our proverbial ropes and casting ourselves on the Lord's mercy and grace are the things that pick us back up and remind us that HE works in us and through us.

Doubly good

Two by two – Jesus sent His apostles out this way. After the sermon last night, I am reminded that He never meant for us to have to go it alone. The Christian life is not a solitary Christian life. It is meant to be lived in community. I tend to forget that sometimes, because what really gives me rest and remembrance is being alone with God. Being with people sometimes is not my cup of tea. Yet, I was designed to be in community. Spiritual “partners,” those who God has put into my path for one reason or another, are precious for whatever reason God gave them. So what does that mean? I’m not sure yet. I do know that we are to cling to our Christian friends, whether they be in our lives for a time or for always. I am so blessed to know that God gives us His greatest gift apart from Himself – people – freely and without reserve.

Double dipping

I was thinking tonight (praying, actually) about battles that I am now fighting in my own life. With myself, with my thoughts, my words, my actions, my attitudes. I prayed about all of these things, then I realized one important fact. God has already conquered all of these things. He has already won these things to Himself. I asked myself then, why must I fight battles that have already been won? Because I'm human, I suppose, but there is great rest in knowing that I don't need to do that.

Understanding but not speaking

Okay, so now I know how people in the U.S. must feel if they aren't able to speak English well, even if they can understand a lot of it. My roommate introduced me to one of her friends today, and he asked me if I liked Brazil, and I just said "yes" (being a woman of few words, even in English). He proceeded to tell her that I couldn't speak very well, like I didn't understand him. I don't know why people venture to do this, especially upon meeting another person. I am still learning much about how to communicate with others here in Portuguese, especially since I still think in English. I am getting better, and I welcome correction, especially from friends and those around whom I spend a lot of time.
Part of me thinks that this is ridiculous, that I shouldn't get my feelings hurt just because of one comment. Part of me thinks that it's just rude to do that to others. So remember, if you come across someone who isn't from your country who can't speak your language, beware: they may be able to understand much more than you think.

I have called you friend

You know it’s funny…. Sometimes I think that if I do everything “right,” then my mistakes will be few. I am coming to realize lately that doing things right or wrong or making mistakes isn’t what it’s all about. The way that I appear to others isn’t important. The way that I love them is. Max Lucado says that the way we treat others is the way that we perceive God is treating us. I would add to that and say that the way we treat (or feel about) ourselves is the way that we perceive God is treating (or feels about) us. If I see God as a legalistic leader with a notebook checking off my good and bad, then I will do the same to others. If I see Him as a loving Father who runs out to meet us when we return home, then I will be joyful when others come home to Him. If I see Him as a suffering Savior who died to save the worst of sinners, then I will love others with the hope that because God saved me, He will save them.
Sometimes I can’t believe that He would save me, so I am hesitant to believe that He would save others. I find myself putting limits on God. I can often see the problems, but fail to see the solution that we as believers already have – Christ! My human mind has so much trouble processing and understanding the fact that what God wants from us more than anything else is ourselves. To spend time with Him, to be honest with Him, to yield ourselves fully to Him.
I have found the Psalms very helpful for this -- taking a leaf out of David's book and being more honest than I have been in a long time. God knows our deepest longings, our deepest wounds, and our deepest joys. He desires that we share them with Him. He desires intimacy with us. Part of me says, "How in the world can God desire intimacy with me?" and part of me knows that He does. With God, it is reached in conversation, sharing the deepest parts of our souls. Jim Elliot says this: Friendship is not measured in what I share, but what another has shared with me. God has called me friend, making His business my business by telling me all about it. Will I call Him my friend, sharing with Him my business, which He already knows?

We have a choir here this week, singing in all sorts of different places. They are helping me to remember how much I love music.
Music invokes passion and emotion, I have heard it said that it massages the soul. It is a universal language. It can make me laugh, cry, and do everything in between. It reminds me of old friends, old boyfriends, good times and bad. Let's face it -- music is fun. Or it is for me, anyway.
Brazil has been so good, because their music is so expressive. People don't sing in the church choir or praise band because they're good; they sing because they love it. Music is part of the culture here, much like it was for the slaves in the United States before the Civil War. That's the one thing that their masters couldn't take away, and that's one thing that no one can take away here, either. Music is life here, and I love it.
Music is the one thing that I can understand here, whether I understand the words or not. It's amazing when we are singing songs that I know in English, and these people know in Portuguese, and we're all just singing together. The Holy Spirit knows no barrier -- of language, of culture, of person -- and so worship and praise are the same all over the world.

Be a Berean

I am very wary of books/speakers/music that everyone is reading/listening to. I'm not sure why, whether it's my way of rebellion against popular culture (even in Christian circles) or my way of being a snob (I've been told that I am). I have finally figured out what bothers me about these things that are nauseatingly popular. I think that they are attended without any regard to what the real truth actually is. People take these things at their word, without searching Scripture to see if they're right. Have we actually gotten so far away from our roots that we have forgotten about them? Let's hope not.

I was walking to the grocery store earlier and noticed all the sights and smells around. The smell of sweet perfume mixed with car exhaust, the reds and pinks and blues and purples and yellows and oranges of the flowers at the flower stand, the prickly skin of the pineapple that's almost impossible to peel, the sound of the rain outside my window. Open my eyes, that I may see!

I was reading today in Psalm 51, and I noticed that David says this: "Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your unfailing love, according to Your great compassion blot out my transgressions." (verse 1)
When we pray, what is our basis for prayer? Is it the fact that we are good people and deserve to have our prayers answered? Is it the fact that we really just need this one answered? Or is it the one thing that is the ONLY basis we have for prayer? God's love and mercy is it, folks. I hate to burst bubbles, but we have gone too long thinking that we deserve to have prayers answered because we are good. When Moses was interceding for the Israelites, he appealed to God by way of the promise that had already been made to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob (Israel). David asked for forgiveness because he knew that the Lord's love was unfailing and that His compassion was great. Jeremiah remembered all of the bitterness that he had upon seeing Israel go into captivity, yet he remembered that because of the Lord's love we are not consumed. The promises that the Lord makes are based on who He is, not on who we are. We would do well to remember that.

Celebration

So I'm a little late with this post, since I've been thinking about it since American Independence Day (I have to specify, since Brazil's was a little over a week ago).
I was thinking, though, about celebration in general, for I thought very little about "the 4th of July" since it wasn't being celebrated here. It really made me realize that celebrating anniversaries aren't worth squat if we don't celebrate them in our day-to-day lives.
I can't tell you the date that I got saved (I do know I was 12 -- that gives us 365 days to work with). What I can tell you is that 14 years later, my life is a celebration of my salvation. Before you think that sounds cocky, read on. I celebrate the fact that God finds me, a sinner, worthy to preach His name before men. I celebrate the relationship that I have with Him. I celebrate the fact that He is faithful -- not in doing whatever I want Him to (that would certainly be awful!), but in seeing His own will carried out. How can I celebrate without telling others?
I have friends that I have definitely learned to appreciate. My best friend from childhood is definitely very different (read: complete opposite) from me. To try to explain that fully would take too long. I smile a lot, shake my head, and think "that's just like her." I have many other friends that I do that with as well. I am loving the fact that I can appreciate our differences, or those things that I think are totally illogical, or those things that make that person a unique individual. I also love the fact that a lot of them seem to appreciate those things about me. So, let's celebrate! Every day, every hour.

How's your family?

I was thinking the other day about what causes our families to go through major changes. I have come up with the following:
-kids going off to college
-kids getting married
-kids having kids
-divorce
-moving
-having kids
-getting married
-death
I am wondering more and more about what my own reaction should be to my family's major changes. The very nature of a change suggests instability. I happen to like stability. Not necessarily order and regimen, but definitely stability.
During a major family change, I do not want to be defined as the family stabilizer (which I sometimes feel is my default role, as the oldest of 4 children). I have been told that it's a role that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I am a mediator. I dislike confrontation. I sincerely want everybody to stop their bickering and get along. Right now, that's the one thing I can't have. And so, I have to deal with it. How? I haven't decided quite yet.

The burning question

I have figured out what my central question in all of these wonderings is: Who am I going to allow to define who I am? Am I going to allow old friends or new friends to define who I am, according to the lives they live? Am I going to allow co-workers or bosses to define me? Am I even going to allow me to define me? I hope not -- my deep desire is that I will let Christ define who I am and who I am going to be.

Who am I?

I am being faced with myself, which is one of the hardest things to face for me, and I'm sure for a lot of us. I am a sinner, I am a plethora of paradoxes, I know who I am, but don't know who I want to be. I can't figure out sometimes if I'm showing the real me to others, or if I am just putting up a face for them to see. On the surface, the paradoxes are even many. For example:
Some days I want to live in the big, big city and some days I want to live in (Texas, Montana, Wyoming) and own a ranch and horses and be able to ride every day into the wild blue. I love to be outdoors and hike but I'd like just as well to go and get a massage or a manicure and dress up for a fancy dinner. I love to go see the theater (as in Broadway shows) but I'd just as soon stay home and have a nice home-cooked meal. There are many, many more, but you get the point.
I'm not sure why these things bother me, except that I know very few people who are the same way. Maybe I'm not opening my eyes wide enough.
Being faced with my own outside is not nearly as scary as being faced with my own inside, which I suppose is why I focus on the outside for now. The thoughts that cross my mind, the words that come out of my mouth, I have to wonder where they come from. So many of them don't come from someone who is radically loved by God. But that is what I am. So why is my human nature still winning so many days? Sometimes I conclude that it must be something that I am doing wrong, and that I am not trying hard enough to be "good" or that I am not pursuing God closely enough. Those are tricks of the devil, for God has shown me none of those. There is a simple truth: there is no one righteous, and I am included. The greater simple truth is this: Jesus Christ came into this world to save sinners, of which I am one. Praise the Lord!

A Path of Suffering

I am beginning to learn that suffering doesn't necessarily mean being persecuted for our faith, or being diagnosed with a terminal disease, or whatever we think of as being on the "grand" level of suffering. I, for one, am beginning to understand that suffering is present in our everyday lives, in a broken family, in a broken heart, in a thing as simple as the short word of a friend. These things seem senseless, and they do not follow what we think should be the normal path of life.
Finished reading These Strange Ashes, by Elisabeth Elliot, today, and am certainly encouraged by her words. In it she speaks of her own first year as a missionary, single and dead set on doing the Lord's will. Her words and her attitude of surety that she was doing the right thing remind me of the things that I have felt and said (if even only to myself) over the past year or so. Her heart was set to do the will of the Father, but she had doubts, and she had disappointments, and she had hurts. It is through these doubts, disappointments, and hurts -- in short, suffering -- that we learn who our Lord truly is, and that His ways are best, even when we don't understand them.
I know full well that the thing that God requires of me today is ruthless trust. Trust without hesitation, without reservation, without hindrance, pure and simple trust, like that of a child. Trust that Daddy knows what's best for us. Maybe that's what Christ meant when He said that we must receive the kingdom of heaven like little children.

A new home

So we've been looking for a new home for both of our cats for quite some time now, since we are leaving in November and none of us are ever home. I'd much rather have a dog anyway. The search became more urgent when I was innocently playing with Samantha and she scratched me on my finger -- it's not a pretty sight. I am pleased to report this wonderful news: WE HAVE FOUND A HOME FOR OUR CATS! And so, we bid them adieu tomorrow morning.
Have I mentioned how excited I am?

What a life

So tell me if this is bad:
The highlight of our (mine & my roommate's) day was seeing some of the stars from our telenovela (much better than an American soap opera and great for helping me learn Portuguese) up close. We were with a team, and the Americans just didn't seem to understand what we were so excited about.

Risky business

I've figured out (with a little help from my roommate) that sometimes being the one to give my opinion is a huge risk. I risk being rejected, I risk my advice or opinion not being heeded (which sometimes is neither here nor there), I risk being separated from others, and I risk being alone with nothing but the truth (and sometimes my own misery) to keep me company.
I desire more than anything else to speak the truth to others in love, and I am finding that it hurts when they don't want to hear it. Why do I want this so badly? Chalk it up to college experience, and the fact that hearing the truth hurts much less at the beginning than it does farther on down the road. To me, anyway.
A bit melodramatic, these two paragraphs, but they will stand thus, because they are truth for my own life.

Working out

Yesterday, I was reading Philippians 2:12. Here is what the tail end of it says: "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling." What does that sound like to most people? The way it is translated goes against everything I know about salvation. It looks like we are required to effect our own salvation. Not true. Again, the Portuguese is better. It can be literally translated, "put into action your own salvation." As in, salvation is something that you already have, you just need to "use" it. Let people know you have it. Do you have to earn it? No. You have it when you receive it. What is the evidence of your salvation? Putting it into action. Ephesians 2:10 says, "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." We are created to be doers of good, but that doesn't get us into heaven.

I WILL not grow weary

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint."
I was reading Isaiah 40:31 the other day (suggestion from a friend) and noticed something really cool in the Portuguese. In English, all these verbs are in the future tense; i.e., they have not happened or are not happening yet. They are something we have to wait on. In Portuguese, the present tense of the verbs is used, so the verse would be translated something like this: "But those who hope in the LORD do renew their strength. They soar on wings like eagles; they run and do not grow weary, they walk and do not grow faint." It's a great thing to find out while I am running around like a crazy chicken with my head cut off. That is, that because I hope in the LORD, I am running with endurance. Not because I have it in myself, but because He is giving it to me, day by day, minute by minute. Bring on the race!

All it takes is a little imagination

I have certainly been expanding my imagination while I have been here, especially over the past week. Last Sunday, I decided that I'm going to pick a new place that I'd like to live (it was New York City) and try a new place in my mind every week. During the week, while working in the pharmacy (with a window in front, where others could watch me work), I felt like I was in a fishbowl. And so my roommate and I decided that I should be a different kind of fish every day. Unfortunately, we didn't decide this until Thursday, so I only got to be 2 kinds of fish. Thursday I was a rainbow fish (apparently they are colorful and smile all the time, no matter what the other fish are doing), and Friday I was a herring (having watched part of Monty Python and the Holy Grail the night before). Oh, what fun! Maybe I'm making up for being such a practical child....

Extra grace

I find myself needing a little extra grace lately, and it made me start thinking (along with reading in Exodus 16) about the Israelites and the manna. How do these two subjects relate? Perfectly, I say. The Israelites had to gather the manna every morning if they wanted food for the day. If they didn't gather, they had nothing to eat. If they gathered too much, it didn't last until the next day -- they had to go out and gather again. One of my favorite verses in there says "He who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little." The Israelites were responsible for gathering their own manna.
So it is with my own spiritual food. I am responsible for gathering it. Jim Elliot said that though we can be encouraged and uplifted by others, we cannot hold others responsible for our own feeding. We must dig into the Word and harvest its riches as the Spirit sees fit to reveal them to us. I pray that I will be disciplined and responsible enough for my own spiritual state that I may gather as much as I need every morning.

Have you ever noticed?

That the things that we see as faults in others are the very things that we ourselves may need to change? It causes me to question whether or not I need to change things about my own life, which is good, but other times it causes me to second-guess myself and wonder if I need to change things that are just me and don't need to be changed. That's the not-good kind of self-evaluation.
God knows that there are still tons of things that could be changed about me, but He is working on them, and I pray that He continues. It is a slow process, becoming the woman He wants me to be, but it's good to know that I'm not working on it alone.

Oh, how rude

I'm not sure why people have to be rude. I don't know if I will ever figure that out, though I probably shouldn't waste time trying. Are people rude out of their own insecurity? Out of the fact that they know they're not in control? Out of the fact that they need to be in control?
I've been having to decipher lately what constitutes rudeness as well, both coming from me and coming from others. Berating or calling out in front of others? If done in seriousness, not in jest, then it's rude. Have you ever heard the phrase, "Praise in public, criticize in private?" Or "Praise, then criticize?" Well, there are people in this world who have heard neither. I am not entirely sure that it hurts my feelings when it happens to me, but so be it either way. I try not to let it get to me, but somedays.... It just bothers me because there's no cause for it. No one should have to put up with rudeness. Ever. People need to learn that.

I think I've lost it

Sometimes I think that I’d lose my head if it weren’t connected to the rest of my body. Do you ever have those days that you just feel like a ditz? I do. And I’m not, which is the problem. (Those of you who know me, keep your mouths shut). The word in Portuguese is desligado – disconnected, of sorts. I’m not sure what the problem is here. I am in the first half of six straight weeks of medical clinics and I am already forgetting things. I think that I need an alternate memory source, like gingko or something.
One summer, one of my employers wore a small notebook around her neck that said “MEMORY.” I’ve decided that I need one of those. Maybe it would be a big help.

Simply life

Today I am struck by the fact that I can find such joy in being able to something as simple as getting a fresh-roasted chicken and french bread from the corner store. I am learning (re-learning, I should say) to find joy in the simple things.
I want to be happy in who I am, and happy in God, and happy in all the things that He has given me. I want to passionately pursue Him, and I want to find Him. I want to be passionate about life, and to live it to the fullest, because God gives me such wonderful opportunities to live!
Today I am still amazed that I am here, especially when I look back upon the course that has led me thus far. Three years ago, I would never have dreamed that I'd be doing this, but here I am, and I love what I do. There is no wrestling of spirit about being here, because I am learning to rest in the place that God has called me to.

You want me to do WHAT?

Some days, there are definitely not words to express how inadequate I feel to be a beacon of light in the darkness. Sometimes it passes, sometimes it doesn't. I definitely have had days of feeling inadequate, days of feeling like I can conquer the world, and days of amazement at the fact that I am even here in Brazil. I have been chosen for a noble calling, the same that all Christians are called to do.
Spread the gospel. Proclaim that Christ died and rose again. Until I came down here, I'm not sure that I really understood that. My first week here, I was put up in front of a classroom full of school children to tell them about why the Belmont University basketball team was in Brazil playing with them. Surprisingly, it was much easier than I ever thought it could be.
I have been forced to depend solely on Christ and the riches that He has for me. I must remember every day that He is bigger than all of my feelings and my attitudes and my thoughts and my actions and my words. His purposes always stand, and I think that means drawing men to Himself. He is good. Taste and see! Don't forget that.

Naturally, this comes next

What comes out of your mouth on a daily basis? I like to think that I've gotten pretty good at editing the thoughts that come across my mind enough to come out of my mouth in a presentable way, or to not come out of my mouth at all. Sometimes, though, that part of my brain that does the editing doesn't work as fast as my mouth and I end up saying things that I really shouldn't say. You know, I spent a whole summer trying to learn that, and all I learned was how to talk in code (and a LOT of verses out of Proverbs)! Marshmallows upon marshmallows of red kool-aid (or red Power-Ade before 10 am, I can't remember which) code. All on the way to Baton Rouge in the stolen Beefmobile, for some odd reason. There are only 2 people in the world who would understand anything about those last 2 sentences. And so, code either isn't that great or is too useful.
I am learning that it is much safer and not necessarily much easier to give our thoughts and words over to the Lord. He has saved me many times from saying things I shouldn't -- He offers my mouth restraint that I can't give it. He guards the door to my lips better than I ever could.
When do my words get me in trouble? When the editing part of my brain doesn't work fast enough. Maybe I need to practice more.

Guard your heart

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23
Guard your heart from what? People? Things? Hurtful words? I think that sometimes in reading this verse we are tempted to shut people out of our hearts and our lives. I don't think that the Lord ever meant for us to shut people out. Christ didn't. He let people in, and He allowed them to grieve Him, and He allowed them to make Him angry, and to make Him happy. Yet He was without sin -- there was no evil in Him.
If you will, allow me to call it "trash control." There is such trash coming into lives through TV, movies, radio, and other people that it's a wonder that any of us are nice anymore, and it's no wonder that we are losing morality by the day. I don't mean this as a rant of legalism, for that gets us nowhere. The Bible says "You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him" (Matthew 12:34-35). Now while I recognize that any good in us is given from God alone (did not Jesus Himself say "Why do you call me good? No one is good except God Himself."), the evil in us comes from the moment that Eve made mankind sinners. Where does the evil come from? Look around you. There is evil waiting everywhere to snare us, bit by bit.
Guard your heart, then, from the evil around you. Guard it from the evil that is in you. God tells us that the heart is deceitful above all things (Jer. 17:9). Guard it from wrong thinking about God and who He is. God tells us through the apostle Paul to test all things, and to hold fast to what is good, and to avoid all kinds of evil (1 Thess. 5:21-22).
As for people, there is certainly no sure way to tell if they will hurt us or not. There is always risk. But Christ took the ultimate risk in coming down to the earth, even as a baby in a manger (that's a cow's feeding trough, folks!). Through His risk, we now have the beauty of salvation. With Him, we have a sure thing. He does not change -- Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Heb. 13:8). He is always good. Flood your hearts with His life.

Let's keep it simple, folks

That's one of the crazy things down here, I think. The Catholic church is a very strong presence here in Brazil, which is one reason I'm so anxious for people to come down and get a taste of the misinformation that people are given, even from within the church! I asked someone one day if he was going to heaven. He said "Yes." I asked him then, "Why?" And he said, "Because I'm a boa Catolica (a good Catholic)." I asked him how he was saved. He answered "Mary." No mention of Jesus anywhere. It's an amazing thing to me how corrupt religion as a whole has actually become. Does that disillusion me? Actually, no. It's frustrating some days, but it motivates me even more to spread the message of Jesus's death and resurrection. Some days, I have to stop and think about what it is that I truly believe. Before I came down here, I wrote The Apostle's Creed in the front of my journal. We grew up saying it every Sunday in church. For awhile I didn't hear it because I was in my first few of years in college and not going to any church regularly, but I have begun to hear it again in the past few years. It's sweet music to my ears now, because with all that is in the New Testament, it's a concise list of my basic beliefs.
I think that even I have made Christianity complicated. We in America have become apologetic about the gospel. Jesus was not. The gospel is what it is, just as God said to Moses, "I AM who I AM." It is simple and basic. Let's keep it that way.
I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
the Creator of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord:
Who was conceived of the Holy Spirit,
born of the Virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died, and was buried.
He descended into hell.
The third day He arose again from the dead.
He ascended into heaven
and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty,
from whence He shall come to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit, one holy church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and life everlasting.
Amen.

No time to turn around

The past few weeks have been a blur. I am beginning to understand how difficult this job really is, for so many reasons. Number one, there is no down time. I have to force myself to sit down at night and read my Bible instead of going right to sleep some days. There are always others around, and though they are fun people, sometimes I just want to be alone. Number two, there is a different group of people coming in every week, and they are all very different in their work styles, in their personalities; in short, we have to figure each new team out, person by person.
God is teaching me a lot about working with people -- about figuring out how our work styles can converge and be both effective and efficient, and even fun.
As tired as I am, though, there is no other place in the world that I would rather be than right here.

Never in doubt

So the previous post gave attention to my penchant for being opinionated. This one gives attention to my friends who put up with it.
Take one friend, for example. I told him what I thought about something that was going on in his life. He wrote back, saying that he knew and understood what I thought, but that he wasn't going to take my advice. Now I've known him for quite awhile, and I am so blessed that I have friends who will let me give my opinion, but who also feel free not to take it if they don't want to.
My roommate told me that my friends can't complain that I didn't give them my opinion on a situation, good or bad. Sometimes that extends to people who don't know me as well, so they take offense to what I have to say. They don't stop to consider whether it's right or not -- my opinion may be wrong! As a good friend once said, "I may be wrong, but I'm never in doubt."

Acho que....

Okay, so I'm opinionated. I can't decide if that's good or bad today. I've found myself giving people advice on their love lives, though they didn't ask for it. They haven't gotten mad at me -- yet. We'll see if it stays that way. I tend to tell people how I think it is first, and let the consequences come. Do I mean to hurt people's feelings? Nope. I'm actually a pretty nice person, most days. Sometimes it just happens that way. I want so badly to be honest with people, to speak the truth in love, yet I can come off as uncaring and mean when I share my opinion.
I do try, though, to let people make their own mistakes. I also try not to say "I told you so" too often. I am learning that there are good ways and bad ways to tell the truth. I, unfortunately, am not very adept in telling truth in the good ways. I don't know how other people manage.

A heart for home

I talked to a good friend the other day, and I began to realize that my heart is broken for Americans. Not the country, but its people. So many have heard the gospel and decided to reject it. I'm not sure if it's our country's individual mindset ("my right to do what I want when I want where I want") or the lack of true disciples within the church, or even the exclusivity of the church and some of its entities, but it makes me sad all the same.
Paul says it this way in Romans: "Brothers, my heart's desire and prayer to God for the Israelites is that they may be saved." (Romans 10:1) His ministry was to the Gentiles -- his call was to spread the gospel to those who were not Jewish, yet his heart still broke for those who were Jewish who were not saved, for they were his ancestors and family. My call is to preach the gospel to Brazilians, yet I desire for my ancestors and fellow countrymen to come to the knowledge of the gospel. They have heard it; why don't they want it? I am afraid that God has hardened the hearts of the people as He did to Pharoah. I am afraid that Americans, as a whole, have squandered the opportunity to say yes to God with their entire lives. I am afraid that they are deceived into thinking that everything has to be right before they can approach the cross. That is a lie. Nothing can be made right until we approach the cross, for it is there that Christ laid down His life for all who would believe in Him.

Praise God! The luggage is in one piece and in my possession.

Good grief!

I'm not sure that everyone wanted me to return to Brazil. I missed a connection in Miami (because of a flight delay due to weather), so I rebooked my flight for a different airline. I had to RUN (yes, run with carry-on baggage in hand) from terminal H to terminal B, with a stop at terminal D on the way. I made the flight, but my checked luggage is floating around in space somewhere. I was sent to about 3 different places in Miami, and again this morning when I got to Rio. The former about my ticket, and the latter about my bag. Hmmm. Lots of trouble to go through just to make it back. I have to keep reminding myself that this IS where I am supposed to be. Not Atlanta, not Birmingham, but Rio. No matter how frustrating, no matter how comfortable or uncomfortable, Rio is my God-given home for the next few months.
Of course, some of this attitude is frustration at the airlines and the weather, and some is because I am just plain worn out. I'm not even sure what I am still doing up.

Culture shock

I have returned to the States for a week, and I'm already in culture shock (I've been here less than 24 hours). It was very disconcerting to be walking around the airport today and hearing only English. I'm not sure I like that. I've only been gone a month, for goodness' sake! What am I going to be like when I return in November?

Cats were born to play soccer

I really think so. We have 2 cats, George and Samantha, who are pretty cool (though Samantha got me up at 4:30 a.m. yesterday to let her out). As I sit here in the office and type my e-mails, the cats wander in and out as they please -- they think they own the place!
There's a little bouncy ball (you know, the kind that comes with jacks) in here, and as soon as they find it, they bat it around with their paws, which I know is cat instinct or something, but I swear, it looks like they're trying to play soccer. I guess it's fitting, seeing as how soccer (futebol) is practically the national sport here in Brazil. Kids don't play backyard football games. They play soccer. Any place will serve as a soccer field, and anything will serve as a soccer ball. And so, if one kid is kicking something around, the rest will come. Flip-flops, bare feet, and all.

The dumbest thing....

ever about going to the grocery store in Brazil is this: the carts don't fit through the lanes. You know, when you go in the States and get ready to check out, you take everything through to the other side, cart and all? Well, the lane is barely wide enough for my hips -- and I'm not fat! A grocery cart sure isn't getting through there, even the shrunken ones for those of us who don't have a lot of groceries to buy. And so, the area just prior to checkout is littered with grocery carts of all sizes. And people with their groceries, just waiting in line....

Good News

The gospel is not something that I had ever put into words until last week, when I was talking to a room full of Brazilian school children. We make things so hard in the States, with all of our theology and rules and legalism. The gospel comes down to Paul's words in 1 Timothy 1:15 -- "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst." No more, no less. Jesus gave us two commandments, love God and love your neighbor, not the 3 books of the OT that are devoted to laws that include mold and mildew. We make it so hard, with all the rules that we impose on ourselves, but the truth is, we can't even keep the standards we set for ourselves -- what makes us think we can keep God's standards? We can't. That's the beauty of the gospel. God took something that we couldn't do on our own and He did it for us.

Deceitfulness of the heart

Some days, I wonder about my own heart, if it is capable and ready to give out mercy and grace. I know that there is a part of me that desires justice, but that is hard for me to give out as well. Setting boundaries? Forget it. Part of me (the part that's been winning for awhile) likes to put off a tough exterior, so that people think that I'm strong and not vulnerable at all. Most people who really know me (although some get confused sometimes -- I'm that good) know my weaknesses, and know that I need help, and that I need comfort, and that I screw up daily. I just want to be me, but some days I don't know who that is, and the thing that plagues me most is that single question that burns deep inside each of us -- "Will the real me be accepted, all of me, my secret sins, my secret faults, that no one but God knows about?" Not to mention the fact that I know I can be obnoxious, and I struggle with the difference between being needy and needing others.
Being away from my own culture, away from my friends, with time on my hands forces me to get down and look at myself face to face. I think that God wants me to know myself, but I'm not sure that I want to. When it comes down to it, I'm just a scared little girl who needs her Heavenly Father's comfort and reassurance that she is loved, with all of who she is.
Why is that so hard for us to accept? I mean, that we are loved. Part of us wants so badly to be able to accept and receive it, but part of us (the part that unfortunately wins so many battles) thinks that God cannot possibly love us, for we are much too bad, and we are much too far from Him, and we are much too willing to please others and not willing enough to please Him. To rebuke myself for this only serves to make it worse. Yet, to rejoice in ourselves, because we are fearfully and wonderfully made (even the sinful parts, which we inherited as part of our nature), brings great relief. I am reminded that God has not made a mistake in making me who I am, and that I do not have to impose impossible standards for myself, for the two most important commandments are these: "Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength," and "Love your neighbor as yourself." In following these, the will of God will be done. Seek the Lord, and do His will. He accepts us exactly as we are when we come to Him, yet He draws us unto Himself so that we will be like Him, so that we will show mercy, as He has shown mercy to us.

A different perspective

I am beginning to see that this side of things is very different in many ways. To be able to put a name with a situation and a favela gives prayer requests so much more meaning. I know who I'm praying for, which somehow makes it easier than just praying for a name in an e-mail.
I am definitely at home here, regardless of the fact that I cannot speak the language yet. I know that some days I will feel completely lost, and some days I won't have any worries, but God is in control of them all.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

What a week it has been. The past two days we have been in a favela just outside of Rio, called Costa Barros. More basketball, though I'm not having to play anymore. I actually translated an entire conversation today! (And had one only in Portuguese) Who would have thought that my first week here, I would do that?
I am amazed at the giving hearts of all these Belmont students. They do whatever needs to be done, when it needs to be done. They even played a little futebol (soccer) with some Brasileiros (Brazilians) today. I never understood how sports could open the door to tell people about Jesus, but now it is so clear -- everything that we do is an open door.

Stretch

We have a team from Belmont University here to do sports evangelism, and they didn't have enough girls to play a game of basketball. Guess who was the 5th. I am not a basketball player, yet God is asking me to trust Him to do what needs to be done. It gives new meaning to the verse in Philippians 4:13 -- I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Poor in whose eyes?

James 2:5 says this: "Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom He promised to those who love Him?"
Today I am struck by the fact that some of the people here in Rio have so little, yet their joy and happiness is unbelievable. We as Americans have set our happiness in material things, and not in the love of God. These Brazilian believers are a wonderful example of finding joy -- not in material things, but in the knowledge that they are loved by God, no matter what.

A full day

20 hours of travel, since I boarded a plane in Atlanta yesterday. I am now actually in Rio, the place that I have waited to be for 18 months now. All that I can say is that God's timing is perfect. I am overwhelmed and amazed at His grace -- He allows me to do what I love for the sake of His kingdom. What a privilege! I am beginning to realize that this journey is two-fold. One part is for the sake of His kingdom, and the other is for Him to change me into the woman that He wants me to be. The part that will stay with me forever is not how I impacted His kingdom, though I know that He will take my filthy rags and make them righteousness. The changes that He brings about in me will stay with me forever, for He wrought them. Sometimes our obedience is truly to His call, but He ends up doing more in us -- making us more like Himself -- than we ever see done in His kingdom. Don't get me wrong; I know that it's there, but I may never see the results. Drawing us into closer relationship with Himself is just as important to Him as furthering His kingdom, I think.

They say that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. They forgot to tell us the part that it might make us want to scream really loud and drive really fast. So far, so good. With the driving part, anyway. I've been screaming a lot lately. Just one more hump to get over in the road of life, I guess. I'm leaving for Brazil in one week, and it doesn't seem that I will get everything packed. It's a little crazy tonight. I keep finding other things to do, none of which helps me pack, although they are important. Like going out to dinner with a friend one last time, or talking on the phone to your best friend from childhood (for the first time in 6 months).
I am amazed at the friendships that I have built here in the States. Me, who is so independent -- not wanting to burden anyone else with my problems -- I am proud of the deep, satisfying, lasting friendships that I have built. I have a group of people that I can go to when everything is going wrong, and they will mourn with me. They will also celebrate with me when everything is going right (except for the one skeptical friend -- you have one in every group, though he eventually comes around).
I have been praying lately that the Lord will help me to be real with others -- all of me, my struggles, my joys, my obstacles, my feelings, everything. I have very few friends that get me -- who I really am, no holds barred. Most of them could take it, but it's always better to keep some of your cards to yourself, right? I don't even know at this point. But still I pray that I will be real. That I will be genuine. That I will not tell others that I am doing fine when I am not. That I will be willing to share the good days. That I will be willing to share the bad days. Help me to share all that will be helpful and edifying and challenging, but help me to present the real me at the same time.
For me to say that is a paradox, because some of me is definitely not edifying and helpful and challenging, but I must trust that what I see is not necessarily what the Lord allows others to see in me. He shows others what He wants them to see, and I thank Him profusely for that.

Looking forward to the past....

I've been thinking a little recently about just how much we tend to think about the past. For the past 18 months, I have been thinking about what God has done for me in the past, and how perfectly He has arranged my circumstances to get me to Brazil. I've been looking to the past to get me to this one moment -- finally arriving in Brazil -- and can't say that I know much about the future. I know what I'll be doing, but only in a broad sense. I have no idea whose life will change because of me, and I have no idea who will come in and out of my life, unwittingly changing me.
Now I don't believe that we should never look back, because we wouldn't learn anything from our mistakes if we didn't. And we wouldn't know the faithfulness of God if we didn't look back to His Word, written thousands of years ago. Heck, I wouldn't know His faithfulness if I didn't look back to yesterday, or even this morning! Our task, however, is not looking back on the faithfulness of God. Our task is obedience. Is it always easy? No. Is it always fun? No. Is it always fulfilling? Contrary to popular belief, no -- not immediately, anyway. Sometimes it's the thankless tasks that we are to be obedient and do. Every obedient action takes us one step closer to hearing those words, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
I pray that our obedience surpasses that of Lot's wife, who was told not to look back. I pray that it surpasses that of the Israelites, who grumbled because all they had to eat was manna. That it would surpass that of the rich young ruler, who could not part with his money. I pray that our obedience would be that of the early church, willing to face anything, if only the name of Christ were spread throughout the world.

I keep thinking about my new roommates. I'm excited about getting to know them -- 2 girls, both a year or two younger than I am. They will see the real me -- the me under huge stress. The me that is in culture shock. The me that in 3 weeks will be wondering what I was thinking, wanting to move to Brazil for 6 months. I may get a little snappy, and for that I apologize profusely in advance. It's nothing personal, I can assure you.
There's an old quote that goes, "A friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway." There is definitely some truth to that statement. And so, I'm praying that God will make the transition smooth for all of us, and that we will come to know one another well and be overcome with the love of Christ for one another, even when we're annoying the stew out of one another.

Hmm. Lots easier than I thought, this creating your own website thing. Now someone else will do it for you! And since my creativity is minimal, that option seems best. For now, anyway.
I'm leaving in less than 3 weeks to go to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, for 6 entire months -- a scary thought some days! But it's definitely something that I've wanted to do for awhile, and that God has put together without question. Have I questioned and doubted? Of course, but that makes the fruit all the more sweet because I've had to work it out for myself.
That's something that I have come to believe with much conviction -- if I simply accept whatever comes my way, if I don't question or doubt, then nothing will ever really be personal. Nothing will ever be mine. My beliefs will always be someone else's. I love my friends and most of those around me, but shouldn't diversity be celebrated? If I couldn't ever respectfully disagree with people I come into contact with, then the world would be a very boring place. VERY boring. And the Bible says to "test all things. Hold fast to what is good." By searching and testing the information that others give us, we learn a lot more about others and ourselves.