They say that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. They forgot to tell us the part that it might make us want to scream really loud and drive really fast. So far, so good. With the driving part, anyway. I've been screaming a lot lately. Just one more hump to get over in the road of life, I guess. I'm leaving for Brazil in one week, and it doesn't seem that I will get everything packed. It's a little crazy tonight. I keep finding other things to do, none of which helps me pack, although they are important. Like going out to dinner with a friend one last time, or talking on the phone to your best friend from childhood (for the first time in 6 months).
I am amazed at the friendships that I have built here in the States. Me, who is so independent -- not wanting to burden anyone else with my problems -- I am proud of the deep, satisfying, lasting friendships that I have built. I have a group of people that I can go to when everything is going wrong, and they will mourn with me. They will also celebrate with me when everything is going right (except for the one skeptical friend -- you have one in every group, though he eventually comes around).
I have been praying lately that the Lord will help me to be real with others -- all of me, my struggles, my joys, my obstacles, my feelings, everything. I have very few friends that get me -- who I really am, no holds barred. Most of them could take it, but it's always better to keep some of your cards to yourself, right? I don't even know at this point. But still I pray that I will be real. That I will be genuine. That I will not tell others that I am doing fine when I am not. That I will be willing to share the good days. That I will be willing to share the bad days. Help me to share all that will be helpful and edifying and challenging, but help me to present the real me at the same time.
For me to say that is a paradox, because some of me is definitely not edifying and helpful and challenging, but I must trust that what I see is not necessarily what the Lord allows others to see in me. He shows others what He wants them to see, and I thank Him profusely for that.