God is bigger

I have been struggling a lot lately, not knowing how to put my struggles into words. The struggle started a couple of years ago, and an excerpt from this post at internetmonk.com speaks for me. It's worth taking a look at.

A significant place in the life of faith in God is coming to the place of abandoning any sense of control, outcome or insured result. Why is that so significant? Because for many of us, in some measure and in various ways, we believe that God’s promises in scripture add up to God guaranteeing the GOOD outcomes that will honor him.

In other words, God will guarantee that the marriage will work, that the ministry will work, that the finances will arrive, that the health will recover, that the children will become Christians and that this life of faith will turn out to be “blessed by God.”

I was hitting the wall, over and over and over, because I realized this wasn’t happening, hadn’t happened and wasn’t going to happen. I’d been living an illusion. I’d gotten very good at it, and now someone- that same God?- was tearing that illusion away from me.

The God I’d believed in before wasn’t there. To the extent that he was the God who guaranteed outcomes, then God wasn’t there at all. The God who was there wasn’t playing according to my rules or to the rules I’d been promoting for three decades.

I am beginning to realize that not only do I like to be in control, I like to feel important. I like to know that I count, that my opinion matters. I am also beginning to realize that because of this attitude, I know a very small God. I want to know God in all His immensity, in all His glory, not as a being that I have or tame or control, but as the God who created the universe and has me as His own by right and desire. What good does it do me if I am important and I perish? By trying to be important, I set myself up above God. By doing that, I will certainly perish. One way or another, I must pass through death. Without Christ, I stay dead. With Him, I come back to life because He did. For so long, I have heard about Jesus paying the price for my sins, which is absolutely true. No one seems to talk about the possibilities of the resurrection life. But for me lately, that is the good news. Instead of the sin that still has effects in my life, and the sin that I still fall prey to some days, I have the wonderful possibility of a better life. What does not matter is whether things go "well" or not. What does not matter is that everything turns out the way I think it should. What matters is that God is revealed as He really is, not the way He appears to us.