Good News

The gospel is not something that I had ever put into words until last week, when I was talking to a room full of Brazilian school children. We make things so hard in the States, with all of our theology and rules and legalism. The gospel comes down to Paul's words in 1 Timothy 1:15 -- "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst." No more, no less. Jesus gave us two commandments, love God and love your neighbor, not the 3 books of the OT that are devoted to laws that include mold and mildew. We make it so hard, with all the rules that we impose on ourselves, but the truth is, we can't even keep the standards we set for ourselves -- what makes us think we can keep God's standards? We can't. That's the beauty of the gospel. God took something that we couldn't do on our own and He did it for us.

Deceitfulness of the heart

Some days, I wonder about my own heart, if it is capable and ready to give out mercy and grace. I know that there is a part of me that desires justice, but that is hard for me to give out as well. Setting boundaries? Forget it. Part of me (the part that's been winning for awhile) likes to put off a tough exterior, so that people think that I'm strong and not vulnerable at all. Most people who really know me (although some get confused sometimes -- I'm that good) know my weaknesses, and know that I need help, and that I need comfort, and that I screw up daily. I just want to be me, but some days I don't know who that is, and the thing that plagues me most is that single question that burns deep inside each of us -- "Will the real me be accepted, all of me, my secret sins, my secret faults, that no one but God knows about?" Not to mention the fact that I know I can be obnoxious, and I struggle with the difference between being needy and needing others.
Being away from my own culture, away from my friends, with time on my hands forces me to get down and look at myself face to face. I think that God wants me to know myself, but I'm not sure that I want to. When it comes down to it, I'm just a scared little girl who needs her Heavenly Father's comfort and reassurance that she is loved, with all of who she is.
Why is that so hard for us to accept? I mean, that we are loved. Part of us wants so badly to be able to accept and receive it, but part of us (the part that unfortunately wins so many battles) thinks that God cannot possibly love us, for we are much too bad, and we are much too far from Him, and we are much too willing to please others and not willing enough to please Him. To rebuke myself for this only serves to make it worse. Yet, to rejoice in ourselves, because we are fearfully and wonderfully made (even the sinful parts, which we inherited as part of our nature), brings great relief. I am reminded that God has not made a mistake in making me who I am, and that I do not have to impose impossible standards for myself, for the two most important commandments are these: "Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength," and "Love your neighbor as yourself." In following these, the will of God will be done. Seek the Lord, and do His will. He accepts us exactly as we are when we come to Him, yet He draws us unto Himself so that we will be like Him, so that we will show mercy, as He has shown mercy to us.

A different perspective

I am beginning to see that this side of things is very different in many ways. To be able to put a name with a situation and a favela gives prayer requests so much more meaning. I know who I'm praying for, which somehow makes it easier than just praying for a name in an e-mail.
I am definitely at home here, regardless of the fact that I cannot speak the language yet. I know that some days I will feel completely lost, and some days I won't have any worries, but God is in control of them all.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

What a week it has been. The past two days we have been in a favela just outside of Rio, called Costa Barros. More basketball, though I'm not having to play anymore. I actually translated an entire conversation today! (And had one only in Portuguese) Who would have thought that my first week here, I would do that?
I am amazed at the giving hearts of all these Belmont students. They do whatever needs to be done, when it needs to be done. They even played a little futebol (soccer) with some Brasileiros (Brazilians) today. I never understood how sports could open the door to tell people about Jesus, but now it is so clear -- everything that we do is an open door.

Stretch

We have a team from Belmont University here to do sports evangelism, and they didn't have enough girls to play a game of basketball. Guess who was the 5th. I am not a basketball player, yet God is asking me to trust Him to do what needs to be done. It gives new meaning to the verse in Philippians 4:13 -- I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Poor in whose eyes?

James 2:5 says this: "Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom He promised to those who love Him?"
Today I am struck by the fact that some of the people here in Rio have so little, yet their joy and happiness is unbelievable. We as Americans have set our happiness in material things, and not in the love of God. These Brazilian believers are a wonderful example of finding joy -- not in material things, but in the knowledge that they are loved by God, no matter what.

A full day

20 hours of travel, since I boarded a plane in Atlanta yesterday. I am now actually in Rio, the place that I have waited to be for 18 months now. All that I can say is that God's timing is perfect. I am overwhelmed and amazed at His grace -- He allows me to do what I love for the sake of His kingdom. What a privilege! I am beginning to realize that this journey is two-fold. One part is for the sake of His kingdom, and the other is for Him to change me into the woman that He wants me to be. The part that will stay with me forever is not how I impacted His kingdom, though I know that He will take my filthy rags and make them righteousness. The changes that He brings about in me will stay with me forever, for He wrought them. Sometimes our obedience is truly to His call, but He ends up doing more in us -- making us more like Himself -- than we ever see done in His kingdom. Don't get me wrong; I know that it's there, but I may never see the results. Drawing us into closer relationship with Himself is just as important to Him as furthering His kingdom, I think.

They say that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. They forgot to tell us the part that it might make us want to scream really loud and drive really fast. So far, so good. With the driving part, anyway. I've been screaming a lot lately. Just one more hump to get over in the road of life, I guess. I'm leaving for Brazil in one week, and it doesn't seem that I will get everything packed. It's a little crazy tonight. I keep finding other things to do, none of which helps me pack, although they are important. Like going out to dinner with a friend one last time, or talking on the phone to your best friend from childhood (for the first time in 6 months).
I am amazed at the friendships that I have built here in the States. Me, who is so independent -- not wanting to burden anyone else with my problems -- I am proud of the deep, satisfying, lasting friendships that I have built. I have a group of people that I can go to when everything is going wrong, and they will mourn with me. They will also celebrate with me when everything is going right (except for the one skeptical friend -- you have one in every group, though he eventually comes around).
I have been praying lately that the Lord will help me to be real with others -- all of me, my struggles, my joys, my obstacles, my feelings, everything. I have very few friends that get me -- who I really am, no holds barred. Most of them could take it, but it's always better to keep some of your cards to yourself, right? I don't even know at this point. But still I pray that I will be real. That I will be genuine. That I will not tell others that I am doing fine when I am not. That I will be willing to share the good days. That I will be willing to share the bad days. Help me to share all that will be helpful and edifying and challenging, but help me to present the real me at the same time.
For me to say that is a paradox, because some of me is definitely not edifying and helpful and challenging, but I must trust that what I see is not necessarily what the Lord allows others to see in me. He shows others what He wants them to see, and I thank Him profusely for that.

Looking forward to the past....

I've been thinking a little recently about just how much we tend to think about the past. For the past 18 months, I have been thinking about what God has done for me in the past, and how perfectly He has arranged my circumstances to get me to Brazil. I've been looking to the past to get me to this one moment -- finally arriving in Brazil -- and can't say that I know much about the future. I know what I'll be doing, but only in a broad sense. I have no idea whose life will change because of me, and I have no idea who will come in and out of my life, unwittingly changing me.
Now I don't believe that we should never look back, because we wouldn't learn anything from our mistakes if we didn't. And we wouldn't know the faithfulness of God if we didn't look back to His Word, written thousands of years ago. Heck, I wouldn't know His faithfulness if I didn't look back to yesterday, or even this morning! Our task, however, is not looking back on the faithfulness of God. Our task is obedience. Is it always easy? No. Is it always fun? No. Is it always fulfilling? Contrary to popular belief, no -- not immediately, anyway. Sometimes it's the thankless tasks that we are to be obedient and do. Every obedient action takes us one step closer to hearing those words, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
I pray that our obedience surpasses that of Lot's wife, who was told not to look back. I pray that it surpasses that of the Israelites, who grumbled because all they had to eat was manna. That it would surpass that of the rich young ruler, who could not part with his money. I pray that our obedience would be that of the early church, willing to face anything, if only the name of Christ were spread throughout the world.