I am being faced with some difficult truths about myself. I am also realizing that they are truths that I see much more of than anyone else does. Thank the Lord for that.
The Lord is being so patient with me and gracious to teach me that as much as I grasp for and cling to, as much as I think I need to take, I will never be satisfied with any of it. Always the thirst for more surges up and leaves me empty. Yet I feel that I cannot give what I do not have to give. Therein is the frustrating part of wanting to give but feeling paralyzed and unable to do so. What is even more frustrating, though, is knowing that I am believing a lie -- the truth is that only in giving fully am I truly filled. I am terrified that I will exhaust my own resources (I can rest assured that I will...), but have forgotten the source of giving. It is not me. This begs the question, "Am I really attached to the True Vine, drawing my life from Him?" because I am not the root. I am not the source of power or giving. Psalm 1 speaks of the man whose delight is in the law of the Lord -- he will be like a tree planted by streams of water, always drawing life from the source. I want to be deeply rooted in Christ, and in who He is -- the vine. I am the branches, and apart from Him, I can do nothing. I am instructed to remain in Him. What does that mean? Death to my own identity apart from Him. Dying to the "old man" who is by nature sinful. It does not, contrary to popular belief, mean dying to desire and passion and joy and enjoyment of life. It does not mean a life of stoicism or unfeeling. The Lord is having to help me un-learn the selfishness that the world has taught me. It's the beginning of a process, which could be long, and will be painful, as dying always is. But thanks be to God for opening my eyes to the first step!