490 times? Really?

As with grace, and as with dying to self, forgiveness is a daily exercise. I think (for now) that forgiveness is the hardest of the three because it requires both of the other two combined in the same breath. Peter was trying to be the good student when he came to Jesus and asked how many times he should forgive his brother (adding, for good measure, "up to seven times"). Peter went the extra mile in suggesting seven times. The teaching of the day was only 3 times. Yet Jesus put it this way: "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven." (Some translations say seventy-seven, but that's still a lot). I'm not sure I can even express the magnitude of forgiveness that we are to offer, but that's as many times as it takes. It's not always easy, and I definitely can't do it on my own power.

Clay pots

"Missionaries are not set apart from the rest of the human race, not purer, nobler, higher."
-- Elisabeth Elliot, A Chance to Die: The Life and Legacy of Amy Carmichael

"Don't imagine that by crossing the sea and landing on a foreign shore and learning a foreign lingo you 'burst the bonds of outer sin and hatch yourself a cherubim.'"
--Amy Carmichael

I am re-reading the biography of Amy Carmichael and finding so much of what she says to be true about my own life, especially the quotes above. I want people to see me for who I am -- an imperfect vessel of God. I am a new creation in Christ, though I am far from perfect. It's a far fall from pedestal to ground.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this allsurpassing power is from God and not from us." 2 Corinthians 4:7

Thank you, St. Valentine

I feel like I am one of the few people in the western hemisphere who thinks that Valentine’s Day is the most useless holiday of the year. I wonder why we have to designate one day to tell people how much we love them or how we feel about them. Life is about celebrating relationships -- our relationship with God, our relationships with other people, whether they are friendships or something more. I was listening to people talk the other day at work about Valentine’s Day, and about how they were upset if their husband/boyfriend didn’t do anything for them (i.e., didn’t “celebrate” Valentine’s Day). I think that I would be much more upset if I got nothing the other 364 days of the year (or 365, depending on when the leap year falls).
Don’t think I’m bitter; I’m really not. I have never enjoyed February 14th, even if I were dating someone at the time. I think it has to do with the fact that I have bad luck on V-Day. 3 years ago, I was in the ER with a migraine headache. This morning, I locked myself out of the house -- I was in my pajamas and had wet hair. Hmmph.

Learning forgiveness

What I am finding out about forgiveness is this: Sometimes people may not even realize what they need your forgiveness for. However, forgiveness is an extension of admitting that you have been hurt, mad, upset, whatever. It's an extension of expression. It's part of getting in touch with what we have really been feeling. It's also a very effective step against bitterness. That's not a way I want to go through life -- bitter, I mean. That would carry over into every single relationship that I had, and I cannot do that to others on a long-term basis. We are instructed to allow no bitterness to take root. Once it roots, it's pretty hard to pull up. Better head it off at the pass.

I am being faced with some difficult truths about myself. I am also realizing that they are truths that I see much more of than anyone else does. Thank the Lord for that.
The Lord is being so patient with me and gracious to teach me that as much as I grasp for and cling to, as much as I think I need to take, I will never be satisfied with any of it. Always the thirst for more surges up and leaves me empty. Yet I feel that I cannot give what I do not have to give. Therein is the frustrating part of wanting to give but feeling paralyzed and unable to do so. What is even more frustrating, though, is knowing that I am believing a lie -- the truth is that only in giving fully am I truly filled. I am terrified that I will exhaust my own resources (I can rest assured that I will...), but have forgotten the source of giving. It is not me. This begs the question, "Am I really attached to the True Vine, drawing my life from Him?" because I am not the root. I am not the source of power or giving. Psalm 1 speaks of the man whose delight is in the law of the Lord -- he will be like a tree planted by streams of water, always drawing life from the source. I want to be deeply rooted in Christ, and in who He is -- the vine. I am the branches, and apart from Him, I can do nothing. I am instructed to remain in Him. What does that mean? Death to my own identity apart from Him. Dying to the "old man" who is by nature sinful. It does not, contrary to popular belief, mean dying to desire and passion and joy and enjoyment of life. It does not mean a life of stoicism or unfeeling. The Lord is having to help me un-learn the selfishness that the world has taught me. It's the beginning of a process, which could be long, and will be painful, as dying always is. But thanks be to God for opening my eyes to the first step!