490 times? Really?

As with grace, and as with dying to self, forgiveness is a daily exercise. I think (for now) that forgiveness is the hardest of the three because it requires both of the other two combined in the same breath. Peter was trying to be the good student when he came to Jesus and asked how many times he should forgive his brother (adding, for good measure, "up to seven times"). Peter went the extra mile in suggesting seven times. The teaching of the day was only 3 times. Yet Jesus put it this way: "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven." (Some translations say seventy-seven, but that's still a lot). I'm not sure I can even express the magnitude of forgiveness that we are to offer, but that's as many times as it takes. It's not always easy, and I definitely can't do it on my own power.

Clay pots

"Missionaries are not set apart from the rest of the human race, not purer, nobler, higher."
-- Elisabeth Elliot, A Chance to Die: The Life and Legacy of Amy Carmichael

"Don't imagine that by crossing the sea and landing on a foreign shore and learning a foreign lingo you 'burst the bonds of outer sin and hatch yourself a cherubim.'"
--Amy Carmichael

I am re-reading the biography of Amy Carmichael and finding so much of what she says to be true about my own life, especially the quotes above. I want people to see me for who I am -- an imperfect vessel of God. I am a new creation in Christ, though I am far from perfect. It's a far fall from pedestal to ground.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this allsurpassing power is from God and not from us." 2 Corinthians 4:7

Thank you, St. Valentine

I feel like I am one of the few people in the western hemisphere who thinks that Valentine’s Day is the most useless holiday of the year. I wonder why we have to designate one day to tell people how much we love them or how we feel about them. Life is about celebrating relationships -- our relationship with God, our relationships with other people, whether they are friendships or something more. I was listening to people talk the other day at work about Valentine’s Day, and about how they were upset if their husband/boyfriend didn’t do anything for them (i.e., didn’t “celebrate” Valentine’s Day). I think that I would be much more upset if I got nothing the other 364 days of the year (or 365, depending on when the leap year falls).
Don’t think I’m bitter; I’m really not. I have never enjoyed February 14th, even if I were dating someone at the time. I think it has to do with the fact that I have bad luck on V-Day. 3 years ago, I was in the ER with a migraine headache. This morning, I locked myself out of the house -- I was in my pajamas and had wet hair. Hmmph.

Learning forgiveness

What I am finding out about forgiveness is this: Sometimes people may not even realize what they need your forgiveness for. However, forgiveness is an extension of admitting that you have been hurt, mad, upset, whatever. It's an extension of expression. It's part of getting in touch with what we have really been feeling. It's also a very effective step against bitterness. That's not a way I want to go through life -- bitter, I mean. That would carry over into every single relationship that I had, and I cannot do that to others on a long-term basis. We are instructed to allow no bitterness to take root. Once it roots, it's pretty hard to pull up. Better head it off at the pass.

I am being faced with some difficult truths about myself. I am also realizing that they are truths that I see much more of than anyone else does. Thank the Lord for that.
The Lord is being so patient with me and gracious to teach me that as much as I grasp for and cling to, as much as I think I need to take, I will never be satisfied with any of it. Always the thirst for more surges up and leaves me empty. Yet I feel that I cannot give what I do not have to give. Therein is the frustrating part of wanting to give but feeling paralyzed and unable to do so. What is even more frustrating, though, is knowing that I am believing a lie -- the truth is that only in giving fully am I truly filled. I am terrified that I will exhaust my own resources (I can rest assured that I will...), but have forgotten the source of giving. It is not me. This begs the question, "Am I really attached to the True Vine, drawing my life from Him?" because I am not the root. I am not the source of power or giving. Psalm 1 speaks of the man whose delight is in the law of the Lord -- he will be like a tree planted by streams of water, always drawing life from the source. I want to be deeply rooted in Christ, and in who He is -- the vine. I am the branches, and apart from Him, I can do nothing. I am instructed to remain in Him. What does that mean? Death to my own identity apart from Him. Dying to the "old man" who is by nature sinful. It does not, contrary to popular belief, mean dying to desire and passion and joy and enjoyment of life. It does not mean a life of stoicism or unfeeling. The Lord is having to help me un-learn the selfishness that the world has taught me. It's the beginning of a process, which could be long, and will be painful, as dying always is. But thanks be to God for opening my eyes to the first step!

Promise and Obedience

Numbers 13-14: The spies sent to the Promised Land – one from each tribe of Israel. Ten of the twelve came back and gave a bad report of the land, saying even “Vimos também os gigantes, os descendentes de Enaque, diante de quem parecíamos gafanhotos, a nós e a eles.” (13.33 – We saw also the giants, the descendents of Anak, in front of whom we seemed like grasshoppers, to ourselves and them.) The Lord had given the command to spy out the land, and even within the commandment, He reminded them of the promise He had given to Abraham so many years before. Caleb still believed the promise. Joshua still believed the promise. I have to think that their obedience was a symbol of their belief in God’s promise to the Israelites. The ten men believed in the appearance of the people and made their judgment based on that. Caleb & Joshua believed in the promise and command of God, and they were obedient accordingly.
Chapter 14 begins with the Israelites queixando-se – complaining. They were thinking about how good they had things in Egypt (comparatively speaking), and wondering why God had brought them out of Egypt to let them die in the wilderness by the sword. They no longer believed the promise given to Abraham about the promised land. Either that or they had a very selfish view of God’s promise. They must have forgotten (just like me) that God’s fulfillment of promise and answers to prayer are not always done the way we think they ought to be. Joshua pleads with the people “Somente não sejam rebeldes contra o Senhor” – do not rebel against the Lord. He reminds the Israelites that “o Senhor está conosco” – the Lord is with us.
I find it both wonderful and sad that the glory of the Lord appeared at the Tent of Meeting to all the Israelites. Since He usually appeared only to Moses, this is something of note. They had rebelled against their leaders and the Lord. How long will the Lord let us complain? How long will He let us be disobedient? The consequences follow – “As the glory of the Lord fills the whole earth, not one of the men who saw my glory and the miraculous signs I performed in Egypt and in the desert but who disobeyed me and tested me ten times – not one of them will ever see the land I promised on oath to their forefathers.” Disobedience leads to missing out on promises fulfilled and missing out on blessing that is reserved specifically for us.

Culture shock

I've been back for a month, and am still trying to process all the emotions of such a culture change. I am glad to be back in the States, but sad because there doesn't seem to be the hunger for Truth here that there is in other places. Maybe it's because we are not needy -- there is very little opportunity to depend on God. There is little need for us in our self-sufficient worlds to figure in the existence of a God who provides for our every need. We are decieved into thinking that we do it ourselves. God has provided in so many more ways than materially. He has provided friendships that are from Him, a family who loves me for who I am.
I am convinced that God can do what He says He can do, and that He is who He says He is. Open my mouth, Lord, and fill it with good things!

Greek to me

I FINALLY DID IT!!!! I know a lot of you must be wondering what "it" is, and so I'll tell you. I spent the week in clinic without an interpreter, just me talking to the Brazilians and them talking to me (which was, of course, quite interesting at times). I am so excited that after 5 months of being here, I could actually do that. Now before you get any ideas, my "expertise" in the language doesn't stray very far outside of the world of pharmacy. You know, "Take 1 tablet 3 times daily with food." But what a blessing to be able to do even that!
Some Brazilians were talking the other night about how when I got here, I would just nod at everything. True statement. I understood almost nothing and caught a word here and there. Now, I am catching more words and understanding much more of the "sentido" or feeling (intent?) of a sentence. My roommate and I go back and forth, and when there is not a good word in Portuguese (or we don't know it), we say it in English, and vice versa. I think that it will be quite frustrating for me when I get home, because very few people will understand what I am trying to say....

Changing my mind (again)

I told a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago that I'd love a how-to book to prep us all on how to handle life's every situation. I have changed my mind. I am learning that if I get too many how-to's at one time, I get entirely overwhelmed at how little I can actually follow them. Don't get me wrong; I can follow directions step by step, even if they are in another language. I can program the VCR (if I have the instruction booklet). I can read a subway map, whether it be in New York City or London or Paris or Rio (buses are probably a different story -- haven't tried yet). But when it comes to "how to improve your life" or "8 secrets to happy friendships" or "how not to get overwhelmed," I am struck by the fact that every set of "how-to" instructions in life purports that they are the secret to happiness, and that if we hold to a set of principles that we will be (fill-in-the-blank here). What I am learning is that regardless of how well we follow the principles, we should always begin with seeking the Lord and what He has to say on the subject. Of course, that's where the Bible comes in, but it's seen by so many people as just a book of rules. Hmmph. The "rules" are only given in 4 books, and they were among the very earliest written! Point being, of course, that the people complaining about the "rules" are missing the whole point. Besides, haven't people heard of the New Testament? Hello! What rubs people the wrong way? The fact that Jesus told people to go and sin no more after He forgave them? Meaning, of course, that they can't live the way that they once did -- they are faced with the choice of whether to follow Jesus or go back to their old ways. Jim Elliot said that Jesus is a "crisis man." That He brought people to decision. One cannot walk away from Him unchanged, and the man who does is very sad, indeed (like the rich young ruler).
So, back on the original subject.... The Bible -- the Law, specifically, shows us where we fall short of the holiness of God. It was designed that way. Maybe that's why Martin Luther said that if we sin we should sin boldly. I don't know. Still thinking on that one. Righteousness came before the Law -- Abraham (and even Noah) was righteous before the Law was given. Did they sin (maybe the better question is were they ever disobedient)? Yes, but they believed God, and THAT was credited to them for righteousness. They had a living, dynamic relationship with their Creator. Instead of being a book of "rules," the Bible is designed to show us our Creator the way that He really is -- holy and faithful and just and compassionate (and if I keep going this will get way too long, but you get the point). And, of course, that shows us humans the way that we really are, but we have a great hope. We have the opportunity to have Christ live through us and in us. So few people actually understand that, and I mean KNOW it, not just read it in the Bible. How do we do it? Sometimes I'm still not sure. I just know that all the trying in the world is not going to make me righteous or do what it is that I need to do simply because it's right. Only Christ can do that, and only then when I allow Him to enter every part of my life. People get discouraged when they do wrong, or when they don't feel "good enough," but what they do not realize (and I still need to hear it sometimes!) is that their trying is not going to make them good enough. Many times, only getting to the end of our proverbial ropes and casting ourselves on the Lord's mercy and grace are the things that pick us back up and remind us that HE works in us and through us.

Doubly good

Two by two – Jesus sent His apostles out this way. After the sermon last night, I am reminded that He never meant for us to have to go it alone. The Christian life is not a solitary Christian life. It is meant to be lived in community. I tend to forget that sometimes, because what really gives me rest and remembrance is being alone with God. Being with people sometimes is not my cup of tea. Yet, I was designed to be in community. Spiritual “partners,” those who God has put into my path for one reason or another, are precious for whatever reason God gave them. So what does that mean? I’m not sure yet. I do know that we are to cling to our Christian friends, whether they be in our lives for a time or for always. I am so blessed to know that God gives us His greatest gift apart from Himself – people – freely and without reserve.

Double dipping

I was thinking tonight (praying, actually) about battles that I am now fighting in my own life. With myself, with my thoughts, my words, my actions, my attitudes. I prayed about all of these things, then I realized one important fact. God has already conquered all of these things. He has already won these things to Himself. I asked myself then, why must I fight battles that have already been won? Because I'm human, I suppose, but there is great rest in knowing that I don't need to do that.

Understanding but not speaking

Okay, so now I know how people in the U.S. must feel if they aren't able to speak English well, even if they can understand a lot of it. My roommate introduced me to one of her friends today, and he asked me if I liked Brazil, and I just said "yes" (being a woman of few words, even in English). He proceeded to tell her that I couldn't speak very well, like I didn't understand him. I don't know why people venture to do this, especially upon meeting another person. I am still learning much about how to communicate with others here in Portuguese, especially since I still think in English. I am getting better, and I welcome correction, especially from friends and those around whom I spend a lot of time.
Part of me thinks that this is ridiculous, that I shouldn't get my feelings hurt just because of one comment. Part of me thinks that it's just rude to do that to others. So remember, if you come across someone who isn't from your country who can't speak your language, beware: they may be able to understand much more than you think.

I have called you friend

You know it’s funny…. Sometimes I think that if I do everything “right,” then my mistakes will be few. I am coming to realize lately that doing things right or wrong or making mistakes isn’t what it’s all about. The way that I appear to others isn’t important. The way that I love them is. Max Lucado says that the way we treat others is the way that we perceive God is treating us. I would add to that and say that the way we treat (or feel about) ourselves is the way that we perceive God is treating (or feels about) us. If I see God as a legalistic leader with a notebook checking off my good and bad, then I will do the same to others. If I see Him as a loving Father who runs out to meet us when we return home, then I will be joyful when others come home to Him. If I see Him as a suffering Savior who died to save the worst of sinners, then I will love others with the hope that because God saved me, He will save them.
Sometimes I can’t believe that He would save me, so I am hesitant to believe that He would save others. I find myself putting limits on God. I can often see the problems, but fail to see the solution that we as believers already have – Christ! My human mind has so much trouble processing and understanding the fact that what God wants from us more than anything else is ourselves. To spend time with Him, to be honest with Him, to yield ourselves fully to Him.
I have found the Psalms very helpful for this -- taking a leaf out of David's book and being more honest than I have been in a long time. God knows our deepest longings, our deepest wounds, and our deepest joys. He desires that we share them with Him. He desires intimacy with us. Part of me says, "How in the world can God desire intimacy with me?" and part of me knows that He does. With God, it is reached in conversation, sharing the deepest parts of our souls. Jim Elliot says this: Friendship is not measured in what I share, but what another has shared with me. God has called me friend, making His business my business by telling me all about it. Will I call Him my friend, sharing with Him my business, which He already knows?

We have a choir here this week, singing in all sorts of different places. They are helping me to remember how much I love music.
Music invokes passion and emotion, I have heard it said that it massages the soul. It is a universal language. It can make me laugh, cry, and do everything in between. It reminds me of old friends, old boyfriends, good times and bad. Let's face it -- music is fun. Or it is for me, anyway.
Brazil has been so good, because their music is so expressive. People don't sing in the church choir or praise band because they're good; they sing because they love it. Music is part of the culture here, much like it was for the slaves in the United States before the Civil War. That's the one thing that their masters couldn't take away, and that's one thing that no one can take away here, either. Music is life here, and I love it.
Music is the one thing that I can understand here, whether I understand the words or not. It's amazing when we are singing songs that I know in English, and these people know in Portuguese, and we're all just singing together. The Holy Spirit knows no barrier -- of language, of culture, of person -- and so worship and praise are the same all over the world.

Be a Berean

I am very wary of books/speakers/music that everyone is reading/listening to. I'm not sure why, whether it's my way of rebellion against popular culture (even in Christian circles) or my way of being a snob (I've been told that I am). I have finally figured out what bothers me about these things that are nauseatingly popular. I think that they are attended without any regard to what the real truth actually is. People take these things at their word, without searching Scripture to see if they're right. Have we actually gotten so far away from our roots that we have forgotten about them? Let's hope not.

I was walking to the grocery store earlier and noticed all the sights and smells around. The smell of sweet perfume mixed with car exhaust, the reds and pinks and blues and purples and yellows and oranges of the flowers at the flower stand, the prickly skin of the pineapple that's almost impossible to peel, the sound of the rain outside my window. Open my eyes, that I may see!

I was reading today in Psalm 51, and I noticed that David says this: "Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your unfailing love, according to Your great compassion blot out my transgressions." (verse 1)
When we pray, what is our basis for prayer? Is it the fact that we are good people and deserve to have our prayers answered? Is it the fact that we really just need this one answered? Or is it the one thing that is the ONLY basis we have for prayer? God's love and mercy is it, folks. I hate to burst bubbles, but we have gone too long thinking that we deserve to have prayers answered because we are good. When Moses was interceding for the Israelites, he appealed to God by way of the promise that had already been made to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob (Israel). David asked for forgiveness because he knew that the Lord's love was unfailing and that His compassion was great. Jeremiah remembered all of the bitterness that he had upon seeing Israel go into captivity, yet he remembered that because of the Lord's love we are not consumed. The promises that the Lord makes are based on who He is, not on who we are. We would do well to remember that.

Celebration

So I'm a little late with this post, since I've been thinking about it since American Independence Day (I have to specify, since Brazil's was a little over a week ago).
I was thinking, though, about celebration in general, for I thought very little about "the 4th of July" since it wasn't being celebrated here. It really made me realize that celebrating anniversaries aren't worth squat if we don't celebrate them in our day-to-day lives.
I can't tell you the date that I got saved (I do know I was 12 -- that gives us 365 days to work with). What I can tell you is that 14 years later, my life is a celebration of my salvation. Before you think that sounds cocky, read on. I celebrate the fact that God finds me, a sinner, worthy to preach His name before men. I celebrate the relationship that I have with Him. I celebrate the fact that He is faithful -- not in doing whatever I want Him to (that would certainly be awful!), but in seeing His own will carried out. How can I celebrate without telling others?
I have friends that I have definitely learned to appreciate. My best friend from childhood is definitely very different (read: complete opposite) from me. To try to explain that fully would take too long. I smile a lot, shake my head, and think "that's just like her." I have many other friends that I do that with as well. I am loving the fact that I can appreciate our differences, or those things that I think are totally illogical, or those things that make that person a unique individual. I also love the fact that a lot of them seem to appreciate those things about me. So, let's celebrate! Every day, every hour.

How's your family?

I was thinking the other day about what causes our families to go through major changes. I have come up with the following:
-kids going off to college
-kids getting married
-kids having kids
-divorce
-moving
-having kids
-getting married
-death
I am wondering more and more about what my own reaction should be to my family's major changes. The very nature of a change suggests instability. I happen to like stability. Not necessarily order and regimen, but definitely stability.
During a major family change, I do not want to be defined as the family stabilizer (which I sometimes feel is my default role, as the oldest of 4 children). I have been told that it's a role that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I am a mediator. I dislike confrontation. I sincerely want everybody to stop their bickering and get along. Right now, that's the one thing I can't have. And so, I have to deal with it. How? I haven't decided quite yet.

The burning question

I have figured out what my central question in all of these wonderings is: Who am I going to allow to define who I am? Am I going to allow old friends or new friends to define who I am, according to the lives they live? Am I going to allow co-workers or bosses to define me? Am I even going to allow me to define me? I hope not -- my deep desire is that I will let Christ define who I am and who I am going to be.