Understanding but not speaking

Okay, so now I know how people in the U.S. must feel if they aren't able to speak English well, even if they can understand a lot of it. My roommate introduced me to one of her friends today, and he asked me if I liked Brazil, and I just said "yes" (being a woman of few words, even in English). He proceeded to tell her that I couldn't speak very well, like I didn't understand him. I don't know why people venture to do this, especially upon meeting another person. I am still learning much about how to communicate with others here in Portuguese, especially since I still think in English. I am getting better, and I welcome correction, especially from friends and those around whom I spend a lot of time.
Part of me thinks that this is ridiculous, that I shouldn't get my feelings hurt just because of one comment. Part of me thinks that it's just rude to do that to others. So remember, if you come across someone who isn't from your country who can't speak your language, beware: they may be able to understand much more than you think.

I have called you friend

You know it’s funny…. Sometimes I think that if I do everything “right,” then my mistakes will be few. I am coming to realize lately that doing things right or wrong or making mistakes isn’t what it’s all about. The way that I appear to others isn’t important. The way that I love them is. Max Lucado says that the way we treat others is the way that we perceive God is treating us. I would add to that and say that the way we treat (or feel about) ourselves is the way that we perceive God is treating (or feels about) us. If I see God as a legalistic leader with a notebook checking off my good and bad, then I will do the same to others. If I see Him as a loving Father who runs out to meet us when we return home, then I will be joyful when others come home to Him. If I see Him as a suffering Savior who died to save the worst of sinners, then I will love others with the hope that because God saved me, He will save them.
Sometimes I can’t believe that He would save me, so I am hesitant to believe that He would save others. I find myself putting limits on God. I can often see the problems, but fail to see the solution that we as believers already have – Christ! My human mind has so much trouble processing and understanding the fact that what God wants from us more than anything else is ourselves. To spend time with Him, to be honest with Him, to yield ourselves fully to Him.
I have found the Psalms very helpful for this -- taking a leaf out of David's book and being more honest than I have been in a long time. God knows our deepest longings, our deepest wounds, and our deepest joys. He desires that we share them with Him. He desires intimacy with us. Part of me says, "How in the world can God desire intimacy with me?" and part of me knows that He does. With God, it is reached in conversation, sharing the deepest parts of our souls. Jim Elliot says this: Friendship is not measured in what I share, but what another has shared with me. God has called me friend, making His business my business by telling me all about it. Will I call Him my friend, sharing with Him my business, which He already knows?

We have a choir here this week, singing in all sorts of different places. They are helping me to remember how much I love music.
Music invokes passion and emotion, I have heard it said that it massages the soul. It is a universal language. It can make me laugh, cry, and do everything in between. It reminds me of old friends, old boyfriends, good times and bad. Let's face it -- music is fun. Or it is for me, anyway.
Brazil has been so good, because their music is so expressive. People don't sing in the church choir or praise band because they're good; they sing because they love it. Music is part of the culture here, much like it was for the slaves in the United States before the Civil War. That's the one thing that their masters couldn't take away, and that's one thing that no one can take away here, either. Music is life here, and I love it.
Music is the one thing that I can understand here, whether I understand the words or not. It's amazing when we are singing songs that I know in English, and these people know in Portuguese, and we're all just singing together. The Holy Spirit knows no barrier -- of language, of culture, of person -- and so worship and praise are the same all over the world.

Be a Berean

I am very wary of books/speakers/music that everyone is reading/listening to. I'm not sure why, whether it's my way of rebellion against popular culture (even in Christian circles) or my way of being a snob (I've been told that I am). I have finally figured out what bothers me about these things that are nauseatingly popular. I think that they are attended without any regard to what the real truth actually is. People take these things at their word, without searching Scripture to see if they're right. Have we actually gotten so far away from our roots that we have forgotten about them? Let's hope not.

I was walking to the grocery store earlier and noticed all the sights and smells around. The smell of sweet perfume mixed with car exhaust, the reds and pinks and blues and purples and yellows and oranges of the flowers at the flower stand, the prickly skin of the pineapple that's almost impossible to peel, the sound of the rain outside my window. Open my eyes, that I may see!

I was reading today in Psalm 51, and I noticed that David says this: "Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your unfailing love, according to Your great compassion blot out my transgressions." (verse 1)
When we pray, what is our basis for prayer? Is it the fact that we are good people and deserve to have our prayers answered? Is it the fact that we really just need this one answered? Or is it the one thing that is the ONLY basis we have for prayer? God's love and mercy is it, folks. I hate to burst bubbles, but we have gone too long thinking that we deserve to have prayers answered because we are good. When Moses was interceding for the Israelites, he appealed to God by way of the promise that had already been made to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob (Israel). David asked for forgiveness because he knew that the Lord's love was unfailing and that His compassion was great. Jeremiah remembered all of the bitterness that he had upon seeing Israel go into captivity, yet he remembered that because of the Lord's love we are not consumed. The promises that the Lord makes are based on who He is, not on who we are. We would do well to remember that.

Celebration

So I'm a little late with this post, since I've been thinking about it since American Independence Day (I have to specify, since Brazil's was a little over a week ago).
I was thinking, though, about celebration in general, for I thought very little about "the 4th of July" since it wasn't being celebrated here. It really made me realize that celebrating anniversaries aren't worth squat if we don't celebrate them in our day-to-day lives.
I can't tell you the date that I got saved (I do know I was 12 -- that gives us 365 days to work with). What I can tell you is that 14 years later, my life is a celebration of my salvation. Before you think that sounds cocky, read on. I celebrate the fact that God finds me, a sinner, worthy to preach His name before men. I celebrate the relationship that I have with Him. I celebrate the fact that He is faithful -- not in doing whatever I want Him to (that would certainly be awful!), but in seeing His own will carried out. How can I celebrate without telling others?
I have friends that I have definitely learned to appreciate. My best friend from childhood is definitely very different (read: complete opposite) from me. To try to explain that fully would take too long. I smile a lot, shake my head, and think "that's just like her." I have many other friends that I do that with as well. I am loving the fact that I can appreciate our differences, or those things that I think are totally illogical, or those things that make that person a unique individual. I also love the fact that a lot of them seem to appreciate those things about me. So, let's celebrate! Every day, every hour.

How's your family?

I was thinking the other day about what causes our families to go through major changes. I have come up with the following:
-kids going off to college
-kids getting married
-kids having kids
-divorce
-moving
-having kids
-getting married
-death
I am wondering more and more about what my own reaction should be to my family's major changes. The very nature of a change suggests instability. I happen to like stability. Not necessarily order and regimen, but definitely stability.
During a major family change, I do not want to be defined as the family stabilizer (which I sometimes feel is my default role, as the oldest of 4 children). I have been told that it's a role that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I am a mediator. I dislike confrontation. I sincerely want everybody to stop their bickering and get along. Right now, that's the one thing I can't have. And so, I have to deal with it. How? I haven't decided quite yet.

The burning question

I have figured out what my central question in all of these wonderings is: Who am I going to allow to define who I am? Am I going to allow old friends or new friends to define who I am, according to the lives they live? Am I going to allow co-workers or bosses to define me? Am I even going to allow me to define me? I hope not -- my deep desire is that I will let Christ define who I am and who I am going to be.

Who am I?

I am being faced with myself, which is one of the hardest things to face for me, and I'm sure for a lot of us. I am a sinner, I am a plethora of paradoxes, I know who I am, but don't know who I want to be. I can't figure out sometimes if I'm showing the real me to others, or if I am just putting up a face for them to see. On the surface, the paradoxes are even many. For example:
Some days I want to live in the big, big city and some days I want to live in (Texas, Montana, Wyoming) and own a ranch and horses and be able to ride every day into the wild blue. I love to be outdoors and hike but I'd like just as well to go and get a massage or a manicure and dress up for a fancy dinner. I love to go see the theater (as in Broadway shows) but I'd just as soon stay home and have a nice home-cooked meal. There are many, many more, but you get the point.
I'm not sure why these things bother me, except that I know very few people who are the same way. Maybe I'm not opening my eyes wide enough.
Being faced with my own outside is not nearly as scary as being faced with my own inside, which I suppose is why I focus on the outside for now. The thoughts that cross my mind, the words that come out of my mouth, I have to wonder where they come from. So many of them don't come from someone who is radically loved by God. But that is what I am. So why is my human nature still winning so many days? Sometimes I conclude that it must be something that I am doing wrong, and that I am not trying hard enough to be "good" or that I am not pursuing God closely enough. Those are tricks of the devil, for God has shown me none of those. There is a simple truth: there is no one righteous, and I am included. The greater simple truth is this: Jesus Christ came into this world to save sinners, of which I am one. Praise the Lord!

A Path of Suffering

I am beginning to learn that suffering doesn't necessarily mean being persecuted for our faith, or being diagnosed with a terminal disease, or whatever we think of as being on the "grand" level of suffering. I, for one, am beginning to understand that suffering is present in our everyday lives, in a broken family, in a broken heart, in a thing as simple as the short word of a friend. These things seem senseless, and they do not follow what we think should be the normal path of life.
Finished reading These Strange Ashes, by Elisabeth Elliot, today, and am certainly encouraged by her words. In it she speaks of her own first year as a missionary, single and dead set on doing the Lord's will. Her words and her attitude of surety that she was doing the right thing remind me of the things that I have felt and said (if even only to myself) over the past year or so. Her heart was set to do the will of the Father, but she had doubts, and she had disappointments, and she had hurts. It is through these doubts, disappointments, and hurts -- in short, suffering -- that we learn who our Lord truly is, and that His ways are best, even when we don't understand them.
I know full well that the thing that God requires of me today is ruthless trust. Trust without hesitation, without reservation, without hindrance, pure and simple trust, like that of a child. Trust that Daddy knows what's best for us. Maybe that's what Christ meant when He said that we must receive the kingdom of heaven like little children.

A new home

So we've been looking for a new home for both of our cats for quite some time now, since we are leaving in November and none of us are ever home. I'd much rather have a dog anyway. The search became more urgent when I was innocently playing with Samantha and she scratched me on my finger -- it's not a pretty sight. I am pleased to report this wonderful news: WE HAVE FOUND A HOME FOR OUR CATS! And so, we bid them adieu tomorrow morning.
Have I mentioned how excited I am?

What a life

So tell me if this is bad:
The highlight of our (mine & my roommate's) day was seeing some of the stars from our telenovela (much better than an American soap opera and great for helping me learn Portuguese) up close. We were with a team, and the Americans just didn't seem to understand what we were so excited about.

Risky business

I've figured out (with a little help from my roommate) that sometimes being the one to give my opinion is a huge risk. I risk being rejected, I risk my advice or opinion not being heeded (which sometimes is neither here nor there), I risk being separated from others, and I risk being alone with nothing but the truth (and sometimes my own misery) to keep me company.
I desire more than anything else to speak the truth to others in love, and I am finding that it hurts when they don't want to hear it. Why do I want this so badly? Chalk it up to college experience, and the fact that hearing the truth hurts much less at the beginning than it does farther on down the road. To me, anyway.
A bit melodramatic, these two paragraphs, but they will stand thus, because they are truth for my own life.

Working out

Yesterday, I was reading Philippians 2:12. Here is what the tail end of it says: "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling." What does that sound like to most people? The way it is translated goes against everything I know about salvation. It looks like we are required to effect our own salvation. Not true. Again, the Portuguese is better. It can be literally translated, "put into action your own salvation." As in, salvation is something that you already have, you just need to "use" it. Let people know you have it. Do you have to earn it? No. You have it when you receive it. What is the evidence of your salvation? Putting it into action. Ephesians 2:10 says, "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." We are created to be doers of good, but that doesn't get us into heaven.

I WILL not grow weary

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint."
I was reading Isaiah 40:31 the other day (suggestion from a friend) and noticed something really cool in the Portuguese. In English, all these verbs are in the future tense; i.e., they have not happened or are not happening yet. They are something we have to wait on. In Portuguese, the present tense of the verbs is used, so the verse would be translated something like this: "But those who hope in the LORD do renew their strength. They soar on wings like eagles; they run and do not grow weary, they walk and do not grow faint." It's a great thing to find out while I am running around like a crazy chicken with my head cut off. That is, that because I hope in the LORD, I am running with endurance. Not because I have it in myself, but because He is giving it to me, day by day, minute by minute. Bring on the race!

All it takes is a little imagination

I have certainly been expanding my imagination while I have been here, especially over the past week. Last Sunday, I decided that I'm going to pick a new place that I'd like to live (it was New York City) and try a new place in my mind every week. During the week, while working in the pharmacy (with a window in front, where others could watch me work), I felt like I was in a fishbowl. And so my roommate and I decided that I should be a different kind of fish every day. Unfortunately, we didn't decide this until Thursday, so I only got to be 2 kinds of fish. Thursday I was a rainbow fish (apparently they are colorful and smile all the time, no matter what the other fish are doing), and Friday I was a herring (having watched part of Monty Python and the Holy Grail the night before). Oh, what fun! Maybe I'm making up for being such a practical child....

Extra grace

I find myself needing a little extra grace lately, and it made me start thinking (along with reading in Exodus 16) about the Israelites and the manna. How do these two subjects relate? Perfectly, I say. The Israelites had to gather the manna every morning if they wanted food for the day. If they didn't gather, they had nothing to eat. If they gathered too much, it didn't last until the next day -- they had to go out and gather again. One of my favorite verses in there says "He who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little." The Israelites were responsible for gathering their own manna.
So it is with my own spiritual food. I am responsible for gathering it. Jim Elliot said that though we can be encouraged and uplifted by others, we cannot hold others responsible for our own feeding. We must dig into the Word and harvest its riches as the Spirit sees fit to reveal them to us. I pray that I will be disciplined and responsible enough for my own spiritual state that I may gather as much as I need every morning.

Have you ever noticed?

That the things that we see as faults in others are the very things that we ourselves may need to change? It causes me to question whether or not I need to change things about my own life, which is good, but other times it causes me to second-guess myself and wonder if I need to change things that are just me and don't need to be changed. That's the not-good kind of self-evaluation.
God knows that there are still tons of things that could be changed about me, but He is working on them, and I pray that He continues. It is a slow process, becoming the woman He wants me to be, but it's good to know that I'm not working on it alone.

Oh, how rude

I'm not sure why people have to be rude. I don't know if I will ever figure that out, though I probably shouldn't waste time trying. Are people rude out of their own insecurity? Out of the fact that they know they're not in control? Out of the fact that they need to be in control?
I've been having to decipher lately what constitutes rudeness as well, both coming from me and coming from others. Berating or calling out in front of others? If done in seriousness, not in jest, then it's rude. Have you ever heard the phrase, "Praise in public, criticize in private?" Or "Praise, then criticize?" Well, there are people in this world who have heard neither. I am not entirely sure that it hurts my feelings when it happens to me, but so be it either way. I try not to let it get to me, but somedays.... It just bothers me because there's no cause for it. No one should have to put up with rudeness. Ever. People need to learn that.