Chile, Day 5

We headed to Starbucks (what a dream!) and spent an hour or so there reading about the history of Chile. Yes, after our trip was almost over. We had an uneventful flight back to Brasil except for the PF (Policia Federal) agent who told me that six months out of the year was a long time to stay in Brasil. I always get a little nervous when it comes to immigration. But favor won out, and we got through with no problems. All in all, the trip to Chile was worth it and I would recommend it (both Santiago and the skiing) to anyone who wants a relaxing vacation.

Vacation

And a well-deserved one, at that. My roommate and I, after 3 busy months of teams, are headed to Chile tomorrow. We are going skiing at Valle Nevado, the largest ski resort in the southern hemisphere, and will hang out in Santiago for a couple of days. May we have good rest and not break any bones.

Things That Go Bump in the Night

Every day is an adventure here, just some more than most. Last night was a really weird one -- we have an interfone (where someone rings the bell at the gate, and you can pick up a phone in your house and talk to them and let them in or not), and the telephone part isn't working. Someone decided that they desperately needed us to let them in the gate, and so they pressed and held onto the button. More than once. It got really frustrating after awhile knowing that I couldn't do anything about that, but it finally stopped.
About 20 minutes later (because it was definitely one thing after another), our doorbell started ringing. After a few times my roommate asked me to go downstairs with her to see who was at the door. We looked outside, and there was no one there. Creepy.... We called Ray (one of the missionaries that we work with) and he came to look at our doorbell, which by this point was ringing about once every 3 minutes. He took the box off the bricks outside, and lo and behold! There were animals that had gotten in there (a lizard and a spider). You would have thought they were poisonous. We are now doorbell-free and sleeping well.

So I am the type of person who likes lists. I like to make them and I like to check them off. I have to confess that I have been trying to do that in relationships (not to mention everyday life, some of which requires an agenda -- writing things down and actually getting them done). My errant thinking consisted in thoughts that there was a "right" way to be in a relationship or that there was a cookie-cutter mold that I and this other person were supposed to fit into. That includes both friends and family.
I am learning that I can't put relationships in a box, just as I can't put people in a box. Limits are good, and confinement is bad. Confining someone else to our own opinions and thoughts of them is like putting a goldfish in a small bowl. Our knowledge of them (and theirs of us) only grows as much as we will let it. And if there is no room to grow, whatever we have boxed in will eventually die.
Relationships are so much more than a list -- they are the stuff our lives are made of. They may last until death, or they may be given to us for a shorter time. What I am learning is that I should enjoy them for the gifts that they are.

Back home

I am back in Brasil now, and I am settled in. I have only been here for 3 days, though, so I am still having the "what am I thinking" moments. Last year I was ready to leave home. This year I was ready to come back to Brasil, even though I have left so many things at home behind. It was easier somehow, knowing where I would be living and who I would be working with, and how to get around the airport if anything happened and I couldn't find anyone who spoke English.
Feels like home!

Resting

I am discovering that resting is tough. I feel like I always have my eye on what's next, whether I know what's next or not. Psalm 46:10 says "Be still and know that I am God." Paul said "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances" (Phil. 4:11). I am perfectly content, but I want to know what's next! There comes the tough part of resting. But why in the world would God tell me what's next if it's not time to know? I mean, I already have enough to worry about for today -- why worry about things that I don't know about? Why worry about things that the Lord hasn't showed me yet? Yeah, it does sound pretty ridiculous.
I am discovering also that most of the things that I worry about are things that others don't even notice. And there I've gone and done all that worrying for nothing.

Struggling for what?

I thought at one time that my struggles make me less of a disciple and Christian, for they don't (read: aren't supposed to) struggle. Then I remember that Christ struggled. I think of His agony in the garden. I think of His decision to be born of a teenager named Mary in a stable in Bethlehem. The disciples struggled. The giants of the faith struggled. Much more is said about the state of my soul if I don't struggle. The defining characteristic of their lives was that they always returned to the Word of God and His promises. They had in mind that He has a plan, and that it is best, no matter how senseless it seemed to them at the time. They acted based on what they knew was a reality from eternity. They acted based both on what they had seen and the things that they had read in His word. And so I should follow their example.

I am beginning to realize that the less uptight I am about myself, the less uptight most other people seem to be. I don't like feeling like I have to "behave," and I don't like being on the defensive about my own behavior. And so I choose to be me. It's the easiest way to do things.

Life made "right"?

"Concentrate on your relationship with God right and everything else will fall into place."
This phrase has never bothered me before, but today it struck me as problematic. Most of the time that I've heard it (and said it) it's been used in reference to a romantic relationship. I am beginning to realize that our relationship with God cannot be a means to an end; it must be the end itself. I want more than anything for the Lord's will to be done, and it will be done regardless of my relationship with Him. He gives me a chance to be a part of it, and why wouldn't I want to join in? That is what concentrating on our relationship with God is -- getting to know Him and enjoy Him for His own sake, and because He is worthy of praise and enjoyment, not for the material comforts and advantages that He can give us.
Give God His due, and He will give you Himself.

490 times? Really?

As with grace, and as with dying to self, forgiveness is a daily exercise. I think (for now) that forgiveness is the hardest of the three because it requires both of the other two combined in the same breath. Peter was trying to be the good student when he came to Jesus and asked how many times he should forgive his brother (adding, for good measure, "up to seven times"). Peter went the extra mile in suggesting seven times. The teaching of the day was only 3 times. Yet Jesus put it this way: "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven." (Some translations say seventy-seven, but that's still a lot). I'm not sure I can even express the magnitude of forgiveness that we are to offer, but that's as many times as it takes. It's not always easy, and I definitely can't do it on my own power.

Clay pots

"Missionaries are not set apart from the rest of the human race, not purer, nobler, higher."
-- Elisabeth Elliot, A Chance to Die: The Life and Legacy of Amy Carmichael

"Don't imagine that by crossing the sea and landing on a foreign shore and learning a foreign lingo you 'burst the bonds of outer sin and hatch yourself a cherubim.'"
--Amy Carmichael

I am re-reading the biography of Amy Carmichael and finding so much of what she says to be true about my own life, especially the quotes above. I want people to see me for who I am -- an imperfect vessel of God. I am a new creation in Christ, though I am far from perfect. It's a far fall from pedestal to ground.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this allsurpassing power is from God and not from us." 2 Corinthians 4:7

Thank you, St. Valentine

I feel like I am one of the few people in the western hemisphere who thinks that Valentine’s Day is the most useless holiday of the year. I wonder why we have to designate one day to tell people how much we love them or how we feel about them. Life is about celebrating relationships -- our relationship with God, our relationships with other people, whether they are friendships or something more. I was listening to people talk the other day at work about Valentine’s Day, and about how they were upset if their husband/boyfriend didn’t do anything for them (i.e., didn’t “celebrate” Valentine’s Day). I think that I would be much more upset if I got nothing the other 364 days of the year (or 365, depending on when the leap year falls).
Don’t think I’m bitter; I’m really not. I have never enjoyed February 14th, even if I were dating someone at the time. I think it has to do with the fact that I have bad luck on V-Day. 3 years ago, I was in the ER with a migraine headache. This morning, I locked myself out of the house -- I was in my pajamas and had wet hair. Hmmph.

Learning forgiveness

What I am finding out about forgiveness is this: Sometimes people may not even realize what they need your forgiveness for. However, forgiveness is an extension of admitting that you have been hurt, mad, upset, whatever. It's an extension of expression. It's part of getting in touch with what we have really been feeling. It's also a very effective step against bitterness. That's not a way I want to go through life -- bitter, I mean. That would carry over into every single relationship that I had, and I cannot do that to others on a long-term basis. We are instructed to allow no bitterness to take root. Once it roots, it's pretty hard to pull up. Better head it off at the pass.

I am being faced with some difficult truths about myself. I am also realizing that they are truths that I see much more of than anyone else does. Thank the Lord for that.
The Lord is being so patient with me and gracious to teach me that as much as I grasp for and cling to, as much as I think I need to take, I will never be satisfied with any of it. Always the thirst for more surges up and leaves me empty. Yet I feel that I cannot give what I do not have to give. Therein is the frustrating part of wanting to give but feeling paralyzed and unable to do so. What is even more frustrating, though, is knowing that I am believing a lie -- the truth is that only in giving fully am I truly filled. I am terrified that I will exhaust my own resources (I can rest assured that I will...), but have forgotten the source of giving. It is not me. This begs the question, "Am I really attached to the True Vine, drawing my life from Him?" because I am not the root. I am not the source of power or giving. Psalm 1 speaks of the man whose delight is in the law of the Lord -- he will be like a tree planted by streams of water, always drawing life from the source. I want to be deeply rooted in Christ, and in who He is -- the vine. I am the branches, and apart from Him, I can do nothing. I am instructed to remain in Him. What does that mean? Death to my own identity apart from Him. Dying to the "old man" who is by nature sinful. It does not, contrary to popular belief, mean dying to desire and passion and joy and enjoyment of life. It does not mean a life of stoicism or unfeeling. The Lord is having to help me un-learn the selfishness that the world has taught me. It's the beginning of a process, which could be long, and will be painful, as dying always is. But thanks be to God for opening my eyes to the first step!

Promise and Obedience

Numbers 13-14: The spies sent to the Promised Land – one from each tribe of Israel. Ten of the twelve came back and gave a bad report of the land, saying even “Vimos também os gigantes, os descendentes de Enaque, diante de quem parecíamos gafanhotos, a nós e a eles.” (13.33 – We saw also the giants, the descendents of Anak, in front of whom we seemed like grasshoppers, to ourselves and them.) The Lord had given the command to spy out the land, and even within the commandment, He reminded them of the promise He had given to Abraham so many years before. Caleb still believed the promise. Joshua still believed the promise. I have to think that their obedience was a symbol of their belief in God’s promise to the Israelites. The ten men believed in the appearance of the people and made their judgment based on that. Caleb & Joshua believed in the promise and command of God, and they were obedient accordingly.
Chapter 14 begins with the Israelites queixando-se – complaining. They were thinking about how good they had things in Egypt (comparatively speaking), and wondering why God had brought them out of Egypt to let them die in the wilderness by the sword. They no longer believed the promise given to Abraham about the promised land. Either that or they had a very selfish view of God’s promise. They must have forgotten (just like me) that God’s fulfillment of promise and answers to prayer are not always done the way we think they ought to be. Joshua pleads with the people “Somente não sejam rebeldes contra o Senhor” – do not rebel against the Lord. He reminds the Israelites that “o Senhor está conosco” – the Lord is with us.
I find it both wonderful and sad that the glory of the Lord appeared at the Tent of Meeting to all the Israelites. Since He usually appeared only to Moses, this is something of note. They had rebelled against their leaders and the Lord. How long will the Lord let us complain? How long will He let us be disobedient? The consequences follow – “As the glory of the Lord fills the whole earth, not one of the men who saw my glory and the miraculous signs I performed in Egypt and in the desert but who disobeyed me and tested me ten times – not one of them will ever see the land I promised on oath to their forefathers.” Disobedience leads to missing out on promises fulfilled and missing out on blessing that is reserved specifically for us.

Culture shock

I've been back for a month, and am still trying to process all the emotions of such a culture change. I am glad to be back in the States, but sad because there doesn't seem to be the hunger for Truth here that there is in other places. Maybe it's because we are not needy -- there is very little opportunity to depend on God. There is little need for us in our self-sufficient worlds to figure in the existence of a God who provides for our every need. We are decieved into thinking that we do it ourselves. God has provided in so many more ways than materially. He has provided friendships that are from Him, a family who loves me for who I am.
I am convinced that God can do what He says He can do, and that He is who He says He is. Open my mouth, Lord, and fill it with good things!

Greek to me

I FINALLY DID IT!!!! I know a lot of you must be wondering what "it" is, and so I'll tell you. I spent the week in clinic without an interpreter, just me talking to the Brazilians and them talking to me (which was, of course, quite interesting at times). I am so excited that after 5 months of being here, I could actually do that. Now before you get any ideas, my "expertise" in the language doesn't stray very far outside of the world of pharmacy. You know, "Take 1 tablet 3 times daily with food." But what a blessing to be able to do even that!
Some Brazilians were talking the other night about how when I got here, I would just nod at everything. True statement. I understood almost nothing and caught a word here and there. Now, I am catching more words and understanding much more of the "sentido" or feeling (intent?) of a sentence. My roommate and I go back and forth, and when there is not a good word in Portuguese (or we don't know it), we say it in English, and vice versa. I think that it will be quite frustrating for me when I get home, because very few people will understand what I am trying to say....

Changing my mind (again)

I told a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago that I'd love a how-to book to prep us all on how to handle life's every situation. I have changed my mind. I am learning that if I get too many how-to's at one time, I get entirely overwhelmed at how little I can actually follow them. Don't get me wrong; I can follow directions step by step, even if they are in another language. I can program the VCR (if I have the instruction booklet). I can read a subway map, whether it be in New York City or London or Paris or Rio (buses are probably a different story -- haven't tried yet). But when it comes to "how to improve your life" or "8 secrets to happy friendships" or "how not to get overwhelmed," I am struck by the fact that every set of "how-to" instructions in life purports that they are the secret to happiness, and that if we hold to a set of principles that we will be (fill-in-the-blank here). What I am learning is that regardless of how well we follow the principles, we should always begin with seeking the Lord and what He has to say on the subject. Of course, that's where the Bible comes in, but it's seen by so many people as just a book of rules. Hmmph. The "rules" are only given in 4 books, and they were among the very earliest written! Point being, of course, that the people complaining about the "rules" are missing the whole point. Besides, haven't people heard of the New Testament? Hello! What rubs people the wrong way? The fact that Jesus told people to go and sin no more after He forgave them? Meaning, of course, that they can't live the way that they once did -- they are faced with the choice of whether to follow Jesus or go back to their old ways. Jim Elliot said that Jesus is a "crisis man." That He brought people to decision. One cannot walk away from Him unchanged, and the man who does is very sad, indeed (like the rich young ruler).
So, back on the original subject.... The Bible -- the Law, specifically, shows us where we fall short of the holiness of God. It was designed that way. Maybe that's why Martin Luther said that if we sin we should sin boldly. I don't know. Still thinking on that one. Righteousness came before the Law -- Abraham (and even Noah) was righteous before the Law was given. Did they sin (maybe the better question is were they ever disobedient)? Yes, but they believed God, and THAT was credited to them for righteousness. They had a living, dynamic relationship with their Creator. Instead of being a book of "rules," the Bible is designed to show us our Creator the way that He really is -- holy and faithful and just and compassionate (and if I keep going this will get way too long, but you get the point). And, of course, that shows us humans the way that we really are, but we have a great hope. We have the opportunity to have Christ live through us and in us. So few people actually understand that, and I mean KNOW it, not just read it in the Bible. How do we do it? Sometimes I'm still not sure. I just know that all the trying in the world is not going to make me righteous or do what it is that I need to do simply because it's right. Only Christ can do that, and only then when I allow Him to enter every part of my life. People get discouraged when they do wrong, or when they don't feel "good enough," but what they do not realize (and I still need to hear it sometimes!) is that their trying is not going to make them good enough. Many times, only getting to the end of our proverbial ropes and casting ourselves on the Lord's mercy and grace are the things that pick us back up and remind us that HE works in us and through us.

Doubly good

Two by two – Jesus sent His apostles out this way. After the sermon last night, I am reminded that He never meant for us to have to go it alone. The Christian life is not a solitary Christian life. It is meant to be lived in community. I tend to forget that sometimes, because what really gives me rest and remembrance is being alone with God. Being with people sometimes is not my cup of tea. Yet, I was designed to be in community. Spiritual “partners,” those who God has put into my path for one reason or another, are precious for whatever reason God gave them. So what does that mean? I’m not sure yet. I do know that we are to cling to our Christian friends, whether they be in our lives for a time or for always. I am so blessed to know that God gives us His greatest gift apart from Himself – people – freely and without reserve.

Double dipping

I was thinking tonight (praying, actually) about battles that I am now fighting in my own life. With myself, with my thoughts, my words, my actions, my attitudes. I prayed about all of these things, then I realized one important fact. God has already conquered all of these things. He has already won these things to Himself. I asked myself then, why must I fight battles that have already been won? Because I'm human, I suppose, but there is great rest in knowing that I don't need to do that.