I pulled my first tooth in dental clinic today. Whoopee!

How exciting!

I have been told this week by our interpreters that I am "bem brasileira." That means I'm becoming Brasilian! (Except I'm still really pasty. That should change in the next few months....)

I'm back!

Well, I am happy to finally be home. I am without internet (so I'm using some other missionaries' computer, as they are gracious enough to let me come over and do so), and so I feel a little disconnected at times. Will post more soon.

I FINALLY GET TO GO!!!!!

After the long, arduous months of waiting, I got my visa in the mail TODAY!!!! (Dancing around the room as I write this) I will soon be home.

Addendum to an earlier post entitled One Book: I have long since given up on Vanity Fair (it was definitely boring me) and completed reading All the King's Men. Not sure how they've made that one into a movie.

I have been struck by my own reading choices lately (yes, I know they're my choices), simply because I have branched out a little and am reading things I wouldn't normally read. The Good Earth is on my Pulitzer list (though I'm not sure how it won the Pulitzer, since Pulitzer winners are supposed to be fiction that encompasses American life, and The Good Earth is about Chinese culture and set in China), and it's worth reading, especially if you have any interest in China.
The Black Dahlia is the first hard-boiled detective novel I've ever read (though I have tried to read The Maltese Falcon), and I am finding all of the background information quite cumbersome.
The Time Traveler's Wife (which I just finished) is certainly a worthy read, though you have to pay attention to which Henry is when. Sometimes I wish I were like Clare in the sense that she got to know so much before it happened, but then again, maybe that's too easy. Maybe she appealed to me because there is so much that I don't know, or maybe because she learned, in the end, to enjoy the Henry who was in front of her, no matter his stage in life.

Small reminders

So I taught a couple of classes at a (very) small high school in my hometown last week (on Brazilian culture, what else?), and I found out today from the teacher that the family that moved in across the street about a month ago is BRAZILIAN! Who would have thought, more Brazilians in my little hometown of 20,000 people? Of course, some kind of meeting is in the works.
God continues to remind me that He is using me right here, even though I am not where I had planned to be.

A new pet?

My friend Susanna called me last week to tell me about the exotic wild bird hospital that apparently exists in Jacksonville. Last night, as I was driving around town, I saw a shop called Wild Birds Unlimited. Obviously (hypothetically, of course), if the bird I purchased at WBU got sick, I would take it directly to Jacksonville's exotic wild bird hospital.

One Book

I got tagged by Allison, so here goes. The standard disclaimer (other than the Bible) applies.

One book that changed your life:
Journals of Jim Elliot edited by Elisabeth Elliot
Jim Elliot was one of a team of 5 missionaries killed in the jungles of Ecuador in 1956. His story is an amazing one, and his journals are a good reminder that the spiritual “giants” we esteem so highly are just like the rest of us. Does that discount their spiritual greatness? I don’t think so; it’s good to know that human beings can be human and still be mightily used in the hands of God.

One book that you’ve read more than once:
Around the World in 80 Days by Jules Verne
This was the only one of Jules Verne’s books that I ever wanted to read. I think I read it for a book report in the 5th or 6th grade, and I liked it so much that I checked it out at least 5 times that year.

One book you’d want on a desert island:
The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis
They’ve got it all. Mystery, intrigue, evil, and a kickin’ plot that Lewis masterfully weaves throughout all 7 books, though each story can stand on its own.

One book that made you laugh:
The Reivers by William Faulkner
I’ve never really been able to enjoy any of Faulkner’s novels very much; I really didn’t have the patience to understand the story line, what with his stream of consciousness style of writing. The Reivers is the first Faulkner novel I’ve been able to read and enjoy. It’s a good reminder that southern culture can be pretty ridiculous sometimes!

One book that made you cry:
Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
I’m not generally a crier when it comes to books and movies, but when Rhett speaks to Scarlett at the end, telling her how much he has loved her all those many years.... I am saddened by the fact that she missed it.

One book that you wish had been written:
Those Crazy Vols: A Day in the Life of a Volunteer Coordinator
We take volunteer teams in Brazil, and could we tell some stories! This one might just get written one day....

One book you wish had never been written:
The Mambo Kings Play Songs of Love by Oscar Hijuelos
I swear, I f I had to read about one more tryst in the New York City music scene, I was going to puke. Yes, it did win the Pulitzer Prize. That just goes to show that taste is VERY subjective.

One book you’re currently reading:
Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray
I don’t usually enjoy Victorian literature, but this one is pretty good. I think it would be really funny as an “updated” version, relevant to today’s culture.

One book you’ve been meaning to read:
All the King’s Men by Robert Penn Warren
A novel about a fictional character loosely based on Huey Long (governor of Louisiana in the late 30’s and early 40’s, I think). He was the reason that LSU has dorms in their stadium. The trustees wanted dorms and he wanted a stadium. An alternate title might be How to Manipulate the System So That Everyone Wins, But I Get the Better Deal.

I have only one left to tag....
Susanna

The big screen

I went to the Alabama Theatre this evening with some friends to take part in their summer film series. They play an old movie every weekend, and this one was The Sound of Music. I have never seen it on the big screen before tonight, and I must say, it was wonderful. I got a lot of the jokes I hadn't noticed before (the writing is very smart). Almost the entire theater sang along with the songs (except for the couple sitting in front of me, who looked around when people started singing like they couldn't quite understand why). And to top it all off, I figured out who Christopher Plummer reminded me of (or who reminded me of him). Lucius Malfoy. Next time you watch, see if you disagree.

A symbol of life

We took the Lord’s Supper in church last Sunday and I was struck by a curious thought. It is supposed to be (according to both Christ and Paul) a remembrance of Christ’s death. What about life? I know and fully believe that without Christ’s death, I could not enter into life, but without the resurrection, I could not enter into life either. It takes both. And so, if the Lord’s Supper is supposed to be a reminder of Christ’s death (I thank Him for that, for I need reminding), then what is the rest of my life supposed to be? As my logic goes, my life should be a remembrance of the life of Christ. God has given us a reminder of Christ’s death, and also a reminder of the fact that Christ’s death includes me – death to myself. Christ’s life gives me life. May I live life in a way that is like Him. As complicated or as simple as it may seem, I still cannot live a life like Christ’s without Him. May I live as though I am crucified with Christ (I am!) and remember that it is no longer I who live, but Christ in me. May I live this life in the body no longer by my own effort, but by faith in Jesus, who loves me and gave Himself for me.
Romans 6:3-4 “Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? We were therefore buried with Him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.”
I love the fact that while Christ’s death on the cross is central to Christianity, His resurrection is too. Without His death, I would be condemned to hell. Without His resurrection, I would be subject to an empty existence. As things stand, I have life because Christ has life. Wow.

Goodbye, Penny

I guess this is a week of goodbyes. Maybe that means I'll get my visa. :-) But I digress. I saw an article today about pennies. For years, people simply bartered goods where there was no money to be had. And in the big cities? There was no treat like going to the candy store and buying penny candy (and I'm sure that long ago, a penny got you LOTS of penny candy). It kind of makes me sad that pennies are being regarded as obsolete (though they have been regarded as such by many for many years). The fact that strikes me as ironic is, of course, that it takes more than a penny to make a penny. Literally.

Goodbye, Brasil....

Well, we're out. Of the FIFA World Cup, that is. If asked to be honest, I would say that Brazil played like there was no urgency until stoppage play at the end of the second half, during which they stepped up play considerably. Somehow I think that would've been good for the whole game....

Sunrises

I got up this morning about 5 to go to the bathroom. As I turned on the light, I had to look away because I was blinded, as my eyes were used to the dark. It got me thinking about the sunrise and how good (and creative) God was in making the gradual changes. We don't see all the light at once, so it's easier to see its beauty in place of the shock I feel as I turn on the light at 5 in the morning.
All throughout the Bible it speaks of God's holiness as something that we cannot see, lest we die. Holy and unholy cannot coexist; holiness and justice demand death for our sins against the Holy One. Christ provides that death, once and for all. As we "put on" Christ, that is, as we identify with Him and His death, His death becomes ours, and the blood that He spilled makes us holy. And His resurrection gives life. As such, we are worthy to dwell with God. I think that God reveals Himself to us gradually, for if we were to see all of Him and His holiness at once, we would be overwhelmed and in despair. But Christ is our only hope. He came to us so that we could come to God and know Him.

GO DAWGS!!!

So last night mom and I took a short road trip over to Athens to see the Georgia Bulldogs beat South Carolina to make the trip to Omaha for the College World Series. (And we got to see my brothers, who are both students at UGA). We sat behind the right field foul pole not on the kudzu, but farther up, by the green house (as it's called by the students). At the green house, a tailgate party commenced with about 25 students that lasted the whole game and ended with 150 or so students cheering wildly because even though baseball is a low-key sport at Georgia, it's still a sport. It's enough to get just about anyone excited.
Read the full story here.
In other news, we play Rice on Saturday at 1 p.m. (2 p.m. Eastern Time). TV coverage is on ESPN.

It's official

I am not going to language school; I get to go directly to Rio (without passing go or collecting $200) and start work. Now all that's left is the visa. Without it, I'm not going directly anywhere.

Community

So I'm a bit of a stubborn I-can-do-it-myselfer (and an introvert!), and have been reminded over the past couple of days about what community means. There are days when I would rather keep my burdens to myself -- why bother others with them? I have been reminded that there are actually people in my life (even though I don't see them often) who want my burdens. Paul says this: "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:2)
Some days I'm not sure why I try to carry the world on my shoulders. No one has asked me to.

More than meets the eye

I read a news story this morning about the bird flu and thought about how many Americans would debunk this as crazy. I also thought about how real magic is to people in other parts of the world. People live their lives based on a balance of power and fear, and whatever shows the most power at the moment is where people turn. There is no standing on principle, because the whims of the spirit world place the final verdict on the lives of the people they rule.
That is why I go. It doesn't have to be that way.

Travel junkie

So I found this crazy site World 66 and had a little fun. Here's a map of the countries I have visited and/or lived in. The gray is a world of uncharted territory....

Back to Little Havana

Not really, but I am back in Miami. My (short) stay this time has already been much better than last time. I went to the Brazilian Consulate to turn my LAST document in, and I found out that they have already sent my documents to Brazil to be approved. I am a little confused about the fact that they have changed the type of visa I'm applying for, but hey, if everything is in Brazil, I can do nothing else about it. I'm hanging out and waiting on my office in Richmond to call me back to tell me I can go home today. Maybe....

A happy place

I have had a good 10 days away from home and still have 5 more! How exciting is that?! I am still in the US, still waiting on my visa. For a long time, I tried to figure out why I was still here. I have come to the quiet knowledge that there is something more, even if I don't know what it is. I can think of many reasons I am still here. God is taking me through some hard things, but this time has been good. It has been made much better by the presence of a certain someone (thanks, David!) listening and offering suggestions about life in general.

An Interesting Fact

My friend Liz, who lives in Japan, has an interesting tidbit from Japanese culture on her xanga site. Apparently your blood type has a lot to do with your personality. Mine is O. Decide for yourself if it's true....

Duck, part 3

Yes, folks, the day after Duck #2 we had Duck #3. Mom was home, so we were both running around the house trying to chase it out. Mom said this: "While he was up there [on top of the chimney] I should have asked him to put some chicken wire over the chimney." This is something we've been talking about way back since Duck #1, and we haven't done it yet, partly because we keep thinking that there will be no more ducks. Awaiting the presence of a duck in the house is not easy, you know. It keeps me on my toes!

Duck, Part 2

On March 23, I was graced with the presence of a duck in the house. As I walked past the study today, what did I hear but flapping of wings (it sounded like the poor thing was in a panic). Yup, another duck. He ran around the house and I finally caught him in my mom's closet. Every window on the front of the house was open, but he went out through the door -- I picked him up (in a towel) and set him on the front porch. I don't understand why they keep coming back. Our house is not built for ducks.

A lifelong goal

There was an article on the front of the Arts section of the AJC on Sunday about a woman who had read all of the Pulitzer Prize-winning novels. I saw it and was inspired. And so, my new project is to do just that. It will probably take years, but any project that isn't lifelong probably isn't worth much. Anything under "What I'm Reading" or "Books Read in 2006" with an author and date are Pulitzer Prize-winning novels and the date, of course, signifies the year in which said book won the Pulitzer.

I was reminded of some very wise words today (written in December):
"Your visa will happen one way or the other. I know it seems like a mount Everest but remember who moves mountains."

I have been wondering how quickly the Harry Potter books get translated into Portuguese, and I have found out. I am STOKED that #6 is already translated (though I can't actually buy it yet, as I am still in the US). I have read #1, #3, and #4, am making my way through #2, and #5 is on my shelf trembling in anticipation of being read. How exciting.

Addendum: I have read them all in English -- the above refers to the Portuguese versions.

Laughable or not

I can't decide. For those of you I have talked to, you know LOTS of tears were shed over this, beginning about 3 weeks ago. Went to the Brazilian Consulate in Miami to apply for a visa on Monday and sat in the wrong office for 3 hours. Right city, right street, right building, right floor, wrong office. If I hadn't lived in Brazil already, I would have wondered why no one told me when I signed in. Having lived in Brazil, I didn't wonder. By the time I figured it out, the visa section had closed for lunch. Hmmph. And then they wouldn't accept my documents Monday afternoon (understandable, since they only accept visa apps from 10-12). Went back Tuesday morning. The lady at the counter told me I needed a missionary visa, though that's not what I was applying for. Went back at 3 to talk to her supervisor (she told me to come back) and my docs were still sitting on her desk waiting to be looked at. E-mailed her to make sure all my documents were in order, and it turns out I was missing one that I needed from Brazil. Hmmph again. E-mailed my boss in Brasilia and he sent me a letter asking the consulate to reconsider their requirement for that particular document for lots and lots of reasons. Mailed that to the consulate this morning. We'll see what happens. All I can do now is wait and do what they tell me to.

Foiled again!

Hmm. Who would have thought that going to Miami would be so complicated? I know I will get there in God's perfect timing, but today that's not fast enough! And then I think I might should be thankful because I have a job.... I just feel like I'm wasting time when I could already be there learning language or something else useful.

Next!

Got my documents back today from the Brazilian Consulate (funny how they are much faster than my own government!), so I hope to go sometime next week to apply for my visa. Hope to head "home" soon.

Adventure for the morning

I found a bird (it looked like a duck) in the house this morning. It flew down the chimney (which is why I am doubting its identity as a duck), got ashes all over the floor, and proceeded to walk/fly around the house. First of all, it scared me. Second, I was walking around opening every window in the house trying to chase said animal out a window or the door. Needless to say, I was laughing out loud. A lot. Especially while trying to get the bird out from under the dining room table. The opening of the windows was successful; he finally flew out. Now I have to sweep and vaccuum.

Frustrated

I am waiting on paperwork. Who would have ever thought it would be from my own government, and not that of a laid-back South American nation? Most of my friends are ticketed and leaving next week, while I am not sure how much longer I'll be here. It's very frustrating. BUT, on the other hand.... I am having much time to pack, though I don't have to worry about the possible unavailability of deodorant like one of my friends....
I am trying to have a good attitude, but I am ready to go home.

Almost done

So I have 5 full days left in Richmond. I am ready to go home (to Brazil). It's looking better -- my documents are at an encouraging place in their rabbit trail.
I am driving to Georgia in a few days and am looking forward to a weekend at the lake with friends.
The next month or so will be spent traveling to Miami (to apply for my visa), tying up loose ends, and visiting friends in various places. Home is calling....

FOUR -- I got tagged!

Four jobs I've had:
Chemistry Lab Assistant (which consisted mostly of me answering questions while the prof went outside for smoke breaks)
Summer Camp Counselor
Pharmacist
Missionary to Brazil

Four movies I could watch over and over (set is one entry):
Princess Diaries (1 & 2)
Dead Poet Society
Casablanca
City of God (Cidade de Deus)

Four books I could read over and over (a whole series counts as one, excluding the Bible):
C.S. Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia (yes, all 7)
J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter (all 6 out so far)
C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity
Journals of Jim Elliot

Four places I have lived:
Carrollton, Georgia
Birmingham, Alabama
Mentone, Alabama
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

Four TV shows I watch:
Sorry -- what is TV? If I had to pick:
Arrested Development (before I was informed that it is over)
The Simpsons
Gilmore Girls
Crossing Jordan

Four places I have been on vacation:
Ilha Grande, Brazil
Santiago, Chile
London, England
New York, New York

Four websites I visit daily:
Yahoo!
Barnes & Noble

Team Redd

-- Allison tagged me!
Currently (until I get my visa), the Consulate General of Brazil in Miami

Four favorite foods:
Any kind of Mexican food (it's all the same, right?)
Anything from Italy (tiny restaurants in Cortona preferred -- you know, the family-owned kind)
Brazilian stroganoff
Tiramisu

Four places I'd like to be right now:
Back in Rio!
Houston, TX (those of you who know me know who's there)
Curled up by a fire with a good book (if we had fireplaces here, that's where I'd be, as it's snowing again today)
New York City (minus the snow)

Festive meal

Last night we had the craziest meal ever -- heart-shaped ravioli that was PINK. I must admit, it was a little weird to be eating pink pasta, but it was quite tasty. What was for dessert? What else? Red velvet cake!

A lot more weather

I think we got 4-5 inches of snow overnight. We had fun this am with the snowball fights and sledding -- things I never get to do, because I live too close to the equator (below and above) to get much snow that I can play in. Props to the facilities team who was out at 7 am shoveling snow off the walkways (I think they got to drive a mini-snowplow and I'm a little jealous 'cause I think that would be fun).

A little weather

It's finally snowing! We're supposed to get 3-6 inches in the "metro" area with 1-3 more inches in outlying areas (we are definitely in the middle of nowhere here). We'll see how much fun we have playing in it. They've actually provided toys for us so we don't have to swipe the cafeteria trays to use as sleds.

Adventure for today

So we set off the fire alarm in our quad today (not in my apartment, but still...). We were trying to cook pizzas and one of the ovens had oil in the bottom. Usually, when the (very sensitive) smoke detector goes off, 3 different volunteer fire departments respond to the call and maintenance has to wait until the building has been cleared to turn off the (very loud) siren. We stood outside for about 20 minutes in the wind and finally got our picture taken with the fire truck and the firemen.

So I am definitely here in Virginia having adventures. My roommate is one whole foot shorter than I am (that's twelve inches, for those of you who are measurementally challenged). We have had "special meals" a couple of times, and we've had to eat only what was put in front of us (for those of you who know me, you know that wasn't a problem). In other words, no going to the vending machines after lunch because you didn't like the food.
The first special meal was Middle Eastern in nature. It consisted of meatballs (ground beef, but if we'd been in the ME, it would have been lamb -- ew), a "salsa" made of cucumbers, tomatoes, and onions, and a pita-type bread.
Yesterday we had a Caribbean flavor -- pork that looked strangely like barbeque, corn and flour tortillas, salsa (the kind you eat with chips), and black beans and rice. Now let's talk about these black beans and rice with no seasoning. I am used to having them seasoned with garlic and onion (the Brazilian way to eat them), and these had nothing. Not even the tiniest bit of salt. One of our tablemates asked what gave the rice its color. "Bean juice" was the quick answer. I'm not sure he knew what I meant...

It's getting colder (and wetter) here with no promise of snow. Honestly, what's the point of being cold and wet without getting to play in it?

Being a slacker

So I'm in Virginia for 7 weeks "learning how to be a missionary." I am still amused at all of the people running around like crazy looking for books and such to read (that were assigned by their regional offices). I also feel like a slacker because I'm not doing anything. Props to my regional office for sending me our books 6 weeks ago!

"But the Cross is final. There is no turning now, no halfway stopping place." Journals of Jim Elliot, June 18, 1948
I am having to remember this these days -- that the Cross means death. Either death to myself and my desires, or death to what the Lord is doing in me. If I die to myself, God can produce fruit in my life. But if I do not die, there will be no fruit. (John 12:24)

Hope is a good thing

Psalm 51:4: “Against You, You only, have I sinned and done what is evil in Your sight, so that You are proved right when You speak and justified when You judge.”
(The end of the Portuguese version translates “Your sentence is just and You have reason to condemn me.”)
I have sinned in such a way that God’s sentence is righteous and He has every right to condemn me. This is the gravity of sin – He is right and has every reason to condemn me! But I can also ask for mercy; because Jesus died and was raised again, my sins are gone. His spilled blood takes away (leva) my sin, so that I do not have it anymore.
That is the message that He wants me to take to others – our utter defeat because we have disobeyed God (we cannot obey Him perfectly, for no one is perfect) and the hope that we have because Jesus stepped in to take away the punishment for that disobedience.
The message of hope can break down barriers.

Tenderness

Treating my femininity and delicateness (which some days I am sure I don't possess) with care, not out of fear, but out of respect and awe because of its otherness.
I am beginning to realize that my view of someone caring for me is steeped in provision of my physical needs (food, shelter, etc). I also know full well that it's not the whole story. The Lord is opening my eyes to what that really means through His caring for Israel.

"To wait open-endedly is an enormously radical attitude toward life. So is to trust that something will happen to us that is far beyond our imaginings. So, too, is giving up control over our future and letting God define our life, trusting that God molds us according to God's love and not according to our fear." --Henri Nouwen

Thank God for small favors

Just read the following article about the national shortage of pharmacists:
Pharmacist Shortage Worsens Nationwide
Boy, am I glad I'm not going back to the US to work (quite yet)! I leave Brasil on Saturday and will be at home visiting family and friends for 6 weeks before I am off to Richmond, VA for a 7-week training course that all new IMB missionaries have to go through. God willing, I will be back in Brasil in March for another 2 years. That's more than enough time for the shortage to pass, right?

Psalm 35

It has been quite awhile since I have put something down here that I feel is "of substance." I hit a wall today, yet the Lord opened the floodgates and gave me this:
The Lord is opening my eyes to know what kind of battle is going on for my life. He knows that He already has my soul, and so the true fight is to see who I am going to live for -- myself (or Satan) or for God? I am coming to the realization that I am not the only one fighting that battle, and that is such good news to me! I have tried and tried for so long to conquer the enemy and have been so unsuccessful. Watchman Nee’s The Normal Christian Life is helping me to understand that my efforts, no matter how well-placed, are efforts of the flesh. The Lord is teaching me that sometimes I am to stop fighting and let Him do the work. That brings new meaning to Psalm 46:10 -- “Cease striving, and know that I am God.” Instead of living in the flesh, I am to live in the Spirit. What does that mean? Sometimes I am not even sure; however, I do know that all of my fleshly efforts must stop to let the Holy Spirit work in and through me.
I have been going through David’s feelings in Psalm 35 -- I am feeling them too! He begins with a plea for the Lord to contend with those who contend with him and to fight against those who fight against him. Not only that, but to come to his aid and to brandish the spear and javelin against those who pursued him -- to threaten his enemies and scare them off, even. Now, David was the mighty shepherd who struck down Goliath with a sling and a stone, who killed both the lion and the bear with his hands. Why should he need the Lord to fight his battles for him? Yet he did. How much more do I need to rely fully on the Lord to fight for me! He needed to hear that the Lord was his salvation -- he asked the Lord to hear that phrase.
As it was with David, there are those who seek my life and plot my ruin, though they are not people. They are the powers of darkness, set on my ruin -- set on taking my trust away from the Lord and putting it in myself (or in them, even). Set on cutting me off from the vine, when that is my source of life. I see this battle as one where I have fought and fought and when I have just about given up all hope, the Lord comes in and saves my hide. I didn’t weaken the enemy in any way for Him to be able to handle (you know, like loosening the lid of the pickle jar for the next person). He allows me to fight so that I can see my own weakness and fall into despair. I know that sounds funny, but there is good news at the end of that -- He rescues the poor from those too strong for them.
Verses 11-18 describe somewhat my current wave of feelings. The enemy sends forward ruthless witnesses who ask questions that have nothing to do with the real issue. I entertain them as if they were worthy to be thought on; I take them into my mind and my heart as if they were family, as if they had always lived there, as if they are truly at home there. I do know that if I am not careful, they will take up residence and stay. They are only waiting around to watch me fall, which actually gives me new motivation to stand firm. Verse 20 really hit me because it’s the culmination of those other verses -- if there is nothing to accuse, then they make something up. As I was reading that verse, another one came to mind, Romans 8:33 -- “Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.” Wow. No matter what the enemy accuses me of, I am justified in Christ. Of course, if I am living in sin, then the Lord has to search my heart and show me that. But accusations that are solely of the enemy are what I am talking about here. He has accused me of many things that I have taken to heart, but the scales are beginning to fall off and I am beginning to see them for what they are -- lies.
David pleads with the Lord to awake and rise to his defense, to be not silent. He wants to be vindicated, not in his own righteousness, but in the righteousness of the Lord. He pleads the Lord not to let his enemies think they have won; he asks the Lord to put those who gloat over his distress to be put to shame and confusion, to be clothed with shame and disgrace. And as for those who delight in his vindication, where does he turn their praise? To the Lord. And to top it all off, he praises the Lord. A song that begins in distress ends in praise. Let mine be so as well.

Chile, Day 1

We started off with the easiest check-in ever at the airport -- no one was in line when we got there, so we had plenty of time. The flight was very uneventful, and very empty from Rio to Sao Paulo. When we arrived in Santiago, there were men from the travel agency waiting for us and a few others. We found it very difficult to speak with them, because they spoke a breed of Spanish that is very difficult to understand (or if they were speaking Portuguese, a breed of Portuguese that is very difficult to understand). We had spoken with our agent in Rio, and he said that we should mark our passeios (outings) with the agents when we got to Santiago. However, they were already marked for us. We checked into our little hotel and went to sleep after a long first day.

Chile, Day 2

Well, we started with breakfast, as any sensible traveler does. We discovered that the coffee in Chile is not nearly as strong as the coffee in Brasil, so we had to live with weak coffee all week. We also found the wonderful delicacy of pan chileno (Chilean bread) that melts in your mouth. I could have eaten it for every meal!
We took a city tour around Santiago. We drove by several historic landmarks, and I understood little of our guide’s “Portanhol” (that would be Portuguese mixed with Spanish). We went into a coffee bar (around Santiago some of them are called “café con pernas” which means “coffee with legs”) and were a little shocked at what we found inside. It definitely was not a place for ladies -- there wasn’t even a women’s bathroom! There was one man in our tour group who insisted on talking politics with our guide. We got to see the Chilean army marching in a park, and the man made some very obnoxious comments about how the army was a job for people who couldn’t find any other job. That was just the beginning, but our tour guide finally gave him what for with a 5-point speech. The rest of our group was eternally grateful.
At the end of the tour, they dropped us off at the mall, where Amy and I got some great shopping done. I was very surprised at the number of American (and worldwide) brand names that were in stores. We had walked around the mall for a good while and lo and behold, there was a Starbucks! We don’t have Starbucks here in Brasil, and so it was a great taste of home for us.
After we left the mall, we took a metrobus to the metro station. It was amazing that we could get on a bus (we weren’t really sure where it was going but it said metro on it), get to the metro station safely, and get on the metro and get home, all without worrying about where we were or whether our purses would get stolen.
For dinner, we went to a fun little restaurant called “Aqui Esta Coco.” It’s apparently really popular and we should have made reservations. We showed up at 8pm (Chileans eat late) and they had a table left in the wine cellar. Apparently that’s where they put the tourists. We didn’t mind, though. I had a wonderful dinner -- a swordfish steak marinated in black butter with capers. Mmmmm! When we were finishing our meals, the man at the next table asked if he and his friend could come to sit with us (because they were in the corner and it was apparently cold and drafty). The man was from Belgium, and his friend was Russian-Italian and lived in Buenos Aires, Argentina. We didn’t mind a bit, and we stayed and talked with them while they ate. We got into some very interesting discussions and thoroughly enjoyed exchanging ideas with people from other parts of the world.

Chile, Day 3

We woke up early and had breakfast (more of that wonderful bread!) and set off to explore the city. Santa Lucia was our first stop. Cerro Santa Lucia is the hill that Chile was founded on, and it is named for the saint of the date that Valdivia arrived there (Dec. 13). On the hill sits a yellow baroque castle with a fountain and statue of King Neptune. From the top of the hill, you can see the entire city and the Andes mountains that surround Santiago. Our next stop was the Museum of Bellas Artes. There were several interesting exhibits inside, and the museum was small enough to walk through and not have what I like to call “art overload.” We found a restaurant right behind the museum that we had been researching, called “Atelier del Arte.” Their menu items are named after famous artists and the restaurant is in a bright orange house that is strikingly different than the rest of the décor on the street. The menus are artists’ palettes complete with paintbrushes.
After lunch, we headed to the central market, where they sell fresh seafood and fruit and vegetables. We were accosted by several different waiters from the market’s 2 main restaurants, which are in the middle of all the booths. We had a really hard time convincing them that we weren’t hungry and didn’t want to eat again. Walking across the river from the market took us to Rua Bellavista, where there are several tourist shops full of lapis lazuli, a deep blue stone that is only found in Chile and Afghanistan. Unfortunately, where we were, there were no tourist shops to be found, so we walked for quite a while in search of them. Upon not finding any, we turned up Pio Nono towards Cerro San Cristobal. Since we were there, we took the funicular (a cable-operated train) to the top of the mountain, where we were treated to the strange view of palm trees on a backdrop of snow-covered mountains. We finally found shops that were to our liking and got some souvenirs and headed back to the hotel.
For dinner, we went to Applebee’s (only open 2 weeks) with some missionaries that we know. It was a strange thing to be in Applebee’s in Chile, even though the food was the same (and very good!)

Chile, Day 4

Ski day. We got started about 8:45, and I didn’t think we were ever going to get out of Santiago with the morning traffic. The road up into the Andes is thin and perilous, and I’m glad our driver didn’t have a death wish! I kept wondering how we were going to get up into the snowy part of the mountains, because when we started up the mountain, it was all desert, complete with cacti. We made the ascent far away from the smog of Santiago, and the mountain view was beautiful. We stopped almost all the way up to put chains on our tires. It was a sort of party, what with 10-15 cars stopped on the road doing just that.
When we arrived at Valle Nevado, I was definitely amazed at the ski slopes. They were nothing like they are in the Rockies, for the Rockies have trees. There were no trees here marking the trails and there was a lot of skiable area that wasn’t marked as a trail. We got checked in and started skiing and I was right -- it’s like riding a bike -- you don’t forget how to ski, which is kind of nice, because I hadn’t been snow skiing in 15 years.
We skied until about 4pm with a stop for a light lunch halfway through. We realized right before lunch that we had forgotten to get the key out of our locker, but when we checked, our stuff was fine. It is a place so different than Rio. We arrived back at the hotel sore and tired after a great day.

Chile, Day 5

We headed to Starbucks (what a dream!) and spent an hour or so there reading about the history of Chile. Yes, after our trip was almost over. We had an uneventful flight back to Brasil except for the PF (Policia Federal) agent who told me that six months out of the year was a long time to stay in Brasil. I always get a little nervous when it comes to immigration. But favor won out, and we got through with no problems. All in all, the trip to Chile was worth it and I would recommend it (both Santiago and the skiing) to anyone who wants a relaxing vacation.

Vacation

And a well-deserved one, at that. My roommate and I, after 3 busy months of teams, are headed to Chile tomorrow. We are going skiing at Valle Nevado, the largest ski resort in the southern hemisphere, and will hang out in Santiago for a couple of days. May we have good rest and not break any bones.

Things That Go Bump in the Night

Every day is an adventure here, just some more than most. Last night was a really weird one -- we have an interfone (where someone rings the bell at the gate, and you can pick up a phone in your house and talk to them and let them in or not), and the telephone part isn't working. Someone decided that they desperately needed us to let them in the gate, and so they pressed and held onto the button. More than once. It got really frustrating after awhile knowing that I couldn't do anything about that, but it finally stopped.
About 20 minutes later (because it was definitely one thing after another), our doorbell started ringing. After a few times my roommate asked me to go downstairs with her to see who was at the door. We looked outside, and there was no one there. Creepy.... We called Ray (one of the missionaries that we work with) and he came to look at our doorbell, which by this point was ringing about once every 3 minutes. He took the box off the bricks outside, and lo and behold! There were animals that had gotten in there (a lizard and a spider). You would have thought they were poisonous. We are now doorbell-free and sleeping well.

So I am the type of person who likes lists. I like to make them and I like to check them off. I have to confess that I have been trying to do that in relationships (not to mention everyday life, some of which requires an agenda -- writing things down and actually getting them done). My errant thinking consisted in thoughts that there was a "right" way to be in a relationship or that there was a cookie-cutter mold that I and this other person were supposed to fit into. That includes both friends and family.
I am learning that I can't put relationships in a box, just as I can't put people in a box. Limits are good, and confinement is bad. Confining someone else to our own opinions and thoughts of them is like putting a goldfish in a small bowl. Our knowledge of them (and theirs of us) only grows as much as we will let it. And if there is no room to grow, whatever we have boxed in will eventually die.
Relationships are so much more than a list -- they are the stuff our lives are made of. They may last until death, or they may be given to us for a shorter time. What I am learning is that I should enjoy them for the gifts that they are.

Back home

I am back in Brasil now, and I am settled in. I have only been here for 3 days, though, so I am still having the "what am I thinking" moments. Last year I was ready to leave home. This year I was ready to come back to Brasil, even though I have left so many things at home behind. It was easier somehow, knowing where I would be living and who I would be working with, and how to get around the airport if anything happened and I couldn't find anyone who spoke English.
Feels like home!

Resting

I am discovering that resting is tough. I feel like I always have my eye on what's next, whether I know what's next or not. Psalm 46:10 says "Be still and know that I am God." Paul said "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances" (Phil. 4:11). I am perfectly content, but I want to know what's next! There comes the tough part of resting. But why in the world would God tell me what's next if it's not time to know? I mean, I already have enough to worry about for today -- why worry about things that I don't know about? Why worry about things that the Lord hasn't showed me yet? Yeah, it does sound pretty ridiculous.
I am discovering also that most of the things that I worry about are things that others don't even notice. And there I've gone and done all that worrying for nothing.

Struggling for what?

I thought at one time that my struggles make me less of a disciple and Christian, for they don't (read: aren't supposed to) struggle. Then I remember that Christ struggled. I think of His agony in the garden. I think of His decision to be born of a teenager named Mary in a stable in Bethlehem. The disciples struggled. The giants of the faith struggled. Much more is said about the state of my soul if I don't struggle. The defining characteristic of their lives was that they always returned to the Word of God and His promises. They had in mind that He has a plan, and that it is best, no matter how senseless it seemed to them at the time. They acted based on what they knew was a reality from eternity. They acted based both on what they had seen and the things that they had read in His word. And so I should follow their example.

I am beginning to realize that the less uptight I am about myself, the less uptight most other people seem to be. I don't like feeling like I have to "behave," and I don't like being on the defensive about my own behavior. And so I choose to be me. It's the easiest way to do things.

Life made "right"?

"Concentrate on your relationship with God right and everything else will fall into place."
This phrase has never bothered me before, but today it struck me as problematic. Most of the time that I've heard it (and said it) it's been used in reference to a romantic relationship. I am beginning to realize that our relationship with God cannot be a means to an end; it must be the end itself. I want more than anything for the Lord's will to be done, and it will be done regardless of my relationship with Him. He gives me a chance to be a part of it, and why wouldn't I want to join in? That is what concentrating on our relationship with God is -- getting to know Him and enjoy Him for His own sake, and because He is worthy of praise and enjoyment, not for the material comforts and advantages that He can give us.
Give God His due, and He will give you Himself.

490 times? Really?

As with grace, and as with dying to self, forgiveness is a daily exercise. I think (for now) that forgiveness is the hardest of the three because it requires both of the other two combined in the same breath. Peter was trying to be the good student when he came to Jesus and asked how many times he should forgive his brother (adding, for good measure, "up to seven times"). Peter went the extra mile in suggesting seven times. The teaching of the day was only 3 times. Yet Jesus put it this way: "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven." (Some translations say seventy-seven, but that's still a lot). I'm not sure I can even express the magnitude of forgiveness that we are to offer, but that's as many times as it takes. It's not always easy, and I definitely can't do it on my own power.

Clay pots

"Missionaries are not set apart from the rest of the human race, not purer, nobler, higher."
-- Elisabeth Elliot, A Chance to Die: The Life and Legacy of Amy Carmichael

"Don't imagine that by crossing the sea and landing on a foreign shore and learning a foreign lingo you 'burst the bonds of outer sin and hatch yourself a cherubim.'"
--Amy Carmichael

I am re-reading the biography of Amy Carmichael and finding so much of what she says to be true about my own life, especially the quotes above. I want people to see me for who I am -- an imperfect vessel of God. I am a new creation in Christ, though I am far from perfect. It's a far fall from pedestal to ground.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this allsurpassing power is from God and not from us." 2 Corinthians 4:7

Thank you, St. Valentine

I feel like I am one of the few people in the western hemisphere who thinks that Valentine’s Day is the most useless holiday of the year. I wonder why we have to designate one day to tell people how much we love them or how we feel about them. Life is about celebrating relationships -- our relationship with God, our relationships with other people, whether they are friendships or something more. I was listening to people talk the other day at work about Valentine’s Day, and about how they were upset if their husband/boyfriend didn’t do anything for them (i.e., didn’t “celebrate” Valentine’s Day). I think that I would be much more upset if I got nothing the other 364 days of the year (or 365, depending on when the leap year falls).
Don’t think I’m bitter; I’m really not. I have never enjoyed February 14th, even if I were dating someone at the time. I think it has to do with the fact that I have bad luck on V-Day. 3 years ago, I was in the ER with a migraine headache. This morning, I locked myself out of the house -- I was in my pajamas and had wet hair. Hmmph.

Learning forgiveness

What I am finding out about forgiveness is this: Sometimes people may not even realize what they need your forgiveness for. However, forgiveness is an extension of admitting that you have been hurt, mad, upset, whatever. It's an extension of expression. It's part of getting in touch with what we have really been feeling. It's also a very effective step against bitterness. That's not a way I want to go through life -- bitter, I mean. That would carry over into every single relationship that I had, and I cannot do that to others on a long-term basis. We are instructed to allow no bitterness to take root. Once it roots, it's pretty hard to pull up. Better head it off at the pass.

I am being faced with some difficult truths about myself. I am also realizing that they are truths that I see much more of than anyone else does. Thank the Lord for that.
The Lord is being so patient with me and gracious to teach me that as much as I grasp for and cling to, as much as I think I need to take, I will never be satisfied with any of it. Always the thirst for more surges up and leaves me empty. Yet I feel that I cannot give what I do not have to give. Therein is the frustrating part of wanting to give but feeling paralyzed and unable to do so. What is even more frustrating, though, is knowing that I am believing a lie -- the truth is that only in giving fully am I truly filled. I am terrified that I will exhaust my own resources (I can rest assured that I will...), but have forgotten the source of giving. It is not me. This begs the question, "Am I really attached to the True Vine, drawing my life from Him?" because I am not the root. I am not the source of power or giving. Psalm 1 speaks of the man whose delight is in the law of the Lord -- he will be like a tree planted by streams of water, always drawing life from the source. I want to be deeply rooted in Christ, and in who He is -- the vine. I am the branches, and apart from Him, I can do nothing. I am instructed to remain in Him. What does that mean? Death to my own identity apart from Him. Dying to the "old man" who is by nature sinful. It does not, contrary to popular belief, mean dying to desire and passion and joy and enjoyment of life. It does not mean a life of stoicism or unfeeling. The Lord is having to help me un-learn the selfishness that the world has taught me. It's the beginning of a process, which could be long, and will be painful, as dying always is. But thanks be to God for opening my eyes to the first step!

Promise and Obedience

Numbers 13-14: The spies sent to the Promised Land – one from each tribe of Israel. Ten of the twelve came back and gave a bad report of the land, saying even “Vimos também os gigantes, os descendentes de Enaque, diante de quem parecíamos gafanhotos, a nós e a eles.” (13.33 – We saw also the giants, the descendents of Anak, in front of whom we seemed like grasshoppers, to ourselves and them.) The Lord had given the command to spy out the land, and even within the commandment, He reminded them of the promise He had given to Abraham so many years before. Caleb still believed the promise. Joshua still believed the promise. I have to think that their obedience was a symbol of their belief in God’s promise to the Israelites. The ten men believed in the appearance of the people and made their judgment based on that. Caleb & Joshua believed in the promise and command of God, and they were obedient accordingly.
Chapter 14 begins with the Israelites queixando-se – complaining. They were thinking about how good they had things in Egypt (comparatively speaking), and wondering why God had brought them out of Egypt to let them die in the wilderness by the sword. They no longer believed the promise given to Abraham about the promised land. Either that or they had a very selfish view of God’s promise. They must have forgotten (just like me) that God’s fulfillment of promise and answers to prayer are not always done the way we think they ought to be. Joshua pleads with the people “Somente não sejam rebeldes contra o Senhor” – do not rebel against the Lord. He reminds the Israelites that “o Senhor está conosco” – the Lord is with us.
I find it both wonderful and sad that the glory of the Lord appeared at the Tent of Meeting to all the Israelites. Since He usually appeared only to Moses, this is something of note. They had rebelled against their leaders and the Lord. How long will the Lord let us complain? How long will He let us be disobedient? The consequences follow – “As the glory of the Lord fills the whole earth, not one of the men who saw my glory and the miraculous signs I performed in Egypt and in the desert but who disobeyed me and tested me ten times – not one of them will ever see the land I promised on oath to their forefathers.” Disobedience leads to missing out on promises fulfilled and missing out on blessing that is reserved specifically for us.

Culture shock

I've been back for a month, and am still trying to process all the emotions of such a culture change. I am glad to be back in the States, but sad because there doesn't seem to be the hunger for Truth here that there is in other places. Maybe it's because we are not needy -- there is very little opportunity to depend on God. There is little need for us in our self-sufficient worlds to figure in the existence of a God who provides for our every need. We are decieved into thinking that we do it ourselves. God has provided in so many more ways than materially. He has provided friendships that are from Him, a family who loves me for who I am.
I am convinced that God can do what He says He can do, and that He is who He says He is. Open my mouth, Lord, and fill it with good things!

Greek to me

I FINALLY DID IT!!!! I know a lot of you must be wondering what "it" is, and so I'll tell you. I spent the week in clinic without an interpreter, just me talking to the Brazilians and them talking to me (which was, of course, quite interesting at times). I am so excited that after 5 months of being here, I could actually do that. Now before you get any ideas, my "expertise" in the language doesn't stray very far outside of the world of pharmacy. You know, "Take 1 tablet 3 times daily with food." But what a blessing to be able to do even that!
Some Brazilians were talking the other night about how when I got here, I would just nod at everything. True statement. I understood almost nothing and caught a word here and there. Now, I am catching more words and understanding much more of the "sentido" or feeling (intent?) of a sentence. My roommate and I go back and forth, and when there is not a good word in Portuguese (or we don't know it), we say it in English, and vice versa. I think that it will be quite frustrating for me when I get home, because very few people will understand what I am trying to say....

Changing my mind (again)

I told a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago that I'd love a how-to book to prep us all on how to handle life's every situation. I have changed my mind. I am learning that if I get too many how-to's at one time, I get entirely overwhelmed at how little I can actually follow them. Don't get me wrong; I can follow directions step by step, even if they are in another language. I can program the VCR (if I have the instruction booklet). I can read a subway map, whether it be in New York City or London or Paris or Rio (buses are probably a different story -- haven't tried yet). But when it comes to "how to improve your life" or "8 secrets to happy friendships" or "how not to get overwhelmed," I am struck by the fact that every set of "how-to" instructions in life purports that they are the secret to happiness, and that if we hold to a set of principles that we will be (fill-in-the-blank here). What I am learning is that regardless of how well we follow the principles, we should always begin with seeking the Lord and what He has to say on the subject. Of course, that's where the Bible comes in, but it's seen by so many people as just a book of rules. Hmmph. The "rules" are only given in 4 books, and they were among the very earliest written! Point being, of course, that the people complaining about the "rules" are missing the whole point. Besides, haven't people heard of the New Testament? Hello! What rubs people the wrong way? The fact that Jesus told people to go and sin no more after He forgave them? Meaning, of course, that they can't live the way that they once did -- they are faced with the choice of whether to follow Jesus or go back to their old ways. Jim Elliot said that Jesus is a "crisis man." That He brought people to decision. One cannot walk away from Him unchanged, and the man who does is very sad, indeed (like the rich young ruler).
So, back on the original subject.... The Bible -- the Law, specifically, shows us where we fall short of the holiness of God. It was designed that way. Maybe that's why Martin Luther said that if we sin we should sin boldly. I don't know. Still thinking on that one. Righteousness came before the Law -- Abraham (and even Noah) was righteous before the Law was given. Did they sin (maybe the better question is were they ever disobedient)? Yes, but they believed God, and THAT was credited to them for righteousness. They had a living, dynamic relationship with their Creator. Instead of being a book of "rules," the Bible is designed to show us our Creator the way that He really is -- holy and faithful and just and compassionate (and if I keep going this will get way too long, but you get the point). And, of course, that shows us humans the way that we really are, but we have a great hope. We have the opportunity to have Christ live through us and in us. So few people actually understand that, and I mean KNOW it, not just read it in the Bible. How do we do it? Sometimes I'm still not sure. I just know that all the trying in the world is not going to make me righteous or do what it is that I need to do simply because it's right. Only Christ can do that, and only then when I allow Him to enter every part of my life. People get discouraged when they do wrong, or when they don't feel "good enough," but what they do not realize (and I still need to hear it sometimes!) is that their trying is not going to make them good enough. Many times, only getting to the end of our proverbial ropes and casting ourselves on the Lord's mercy and grace are the things that pick us back up and remind us that HE works in us and through us.

Doubly good

Two by two – Jesus sent His apostles out this way. After the sermon last night, I am reminded that He never meant for us to have to go it alone. The Christian life is not a solitary Christian life. It is meant to be lived in community. I tend to forget that sometimes, because what really gives me rest and remembrance is being alone with God. Being with people sometimes is not my cup of tea. Yet, I was designed to be in community. Spiritual “partners,” those who God has put into my path for one reason or another, are precious for whatever reason God gave them. So what does that mean? I’m not sure yet. I do know that we are to cling to our Christian friends, whether they be in our lives for a time or for always. I am so blessed to know that God gives us His greatest gift apart from Himself – people – freely and without reserve.

Double dipping

I was thinking tonight (praying, actually) about battles that I am now fighting in my own life. With myself, with my thoughts, my words, my actions, my attitudes. I prayed about all of these things, then I realized one important fact. God has already conquered all of these things. He has already won these things to Himself. I asked myself then, why must I fight battles that have already been won? Because I'm human, I suppose, but there is great rest in knowing that I don't need to do that.

Understanding but not speaking

Okay, so now I know how people in the U.S. must feel if they aren't able to speak English well, even if they can understand a lot of it. My roommate introduced me to one of her friends today, and he asked me if I liked Brazil, and I just said "yes" (being a woman of few words, even in English). He proceeded to tell her that I couldn't speak very well, like I didn't understand him. I don't know why people venture to do this, especially upon meeting another person. I am still learning much about how to communicate with others here in Portuguese, especially since I still think in English. I am getting better, and I welcome correction, especially from friends and those around whom I spend a lot of time.
Part of me thinks that this is ridiculous, that I shouldn't get my feelings hurt just because of one comment. Part of me thinks that it's just rude to do that to others. So remember, if you come across someone who isn't from your country who can't speak your language, beware: they may be able to understand much more than you think.

I have called you friend

You know it’s funny…. Sometimes I think that if I do everything “right,” then my mistakes will be few. I am coming to realize lately that doing things right or wrong or making mistakes isn’t what it’s all about. The way that I appear to others isn’t important. The way that I love them is. Max Lucado says that the way we treat others is the way that we perceive God is treating us. I would add to that and say that the way we treat (or feel about) ourselves is the way that we perceive God is treating (or feels about) us. If I see God as a legalistic leader with a notebook checking off my good and bad, then I will do the same to others. If I see Him as a loving Father who runs out to meet us when we return home, then I will be joyful when others come home to Him. If I see Him as a suffering Savior who died to save the worst of sinners, then I will love others with the hope that because God saved me, He will save them.
Sometimes I can’t believe that He would save me, so I am hesitant to believe that He would save others. I find myself putting limits on God. I can often see the problems, but fail to see the solution that we as believers already have – Christ! My human mind has so much trouble processing and understanding the fact that what God wants from us more than anything else is ourselves. To spend time with Him, to be honest with Him, to yield ourselves fully to Him.
I have found the Psalms very helpful for this -- taking a leaf out of David's book and being more honest than I have been in a long time. God knows our deepest longings, our deepest wounds, and our deepest joys. He desires that we share them with Him. He desires intimacy with us. Part of me says, "How in the world can God desire intimacy with me?" and part of me knows that He does. With God, it is reached in conversation, sharing the deepest parts of our souls. Jim Elliot says this: Friendship is not measured in what I share, but what another has shared with me. God has called me friend, making His business my business by telling me all about it. Will I call Him my friend, sharing with Him my business, which He already knows?

We have a choir here this week, singing in all sorts of different places. They are helping me to remember how much I love music.
Music invokes passion and emotion, I have heard it said that it massages the soul. It is a universal language. It can make me laugh, cry, and do everything in between. It reminds me of old friends, old boyfriends, good times and bad. Let's face it -- music is fun. Or it is for me, anyway.
Brazil has been so good, because their music is so expressive. People don't sing in the church choir or praise band because they're good; they sing because they love it. Music is part of the culture here, much like it was for the slaves in the United States before the Civil War. That's the one thing that their masters couldn't take away, and that's one thing that no one can take away here, either. Music is life here, and I love it.
Music is the one thing that I can understand here, whether I understand the words or not. It's amazing when we are singing songs that I know in English, and these people know in Portuguese, and we're all just singing together. The Holy Spirit knows no barrier -- of language, of culture, of person -- and so worship and praise are the same all over the world.

Be a Berean

I am very wary of books/speakers/music that everyone is reading/listening to. I'm not sure why, whether it's my way of rebellion against popular culture (even in Christian circles) or my way of being a snob (I've been told that I am). I have finally figured out what bothers me about these things that are nauseatingly popular. I think that they are attended without any regard to what the real truth actually is. People take these things at their word, without searching Scripture to see if they're right. Have we actually gotten so far away from our roots that we have forgotten about them? Let's hope not.

I was walking to the grocery store earlier and noticed all the sights and smells around. The smell of sweet perfume mixed with car exhaust, the reds and pinks and blues and purples and yellows and oranges of the flowers at the flower stand, the prickly skin of the pineapple that's almost impossible to peel, the sound of the rain outside my window. Open my eyes, that I may see!

I was reading today in Psalm 51, and I noticed that David says this: "Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your unfailing love, according to Your great compassion blot out my transgressions." (verse 1)
When we pray, what is our basis for prayer? Is it the fact that we are good people and deserve to have our prayers answered? Is it the fact that we really just need this one answered? Or is it the one thing that is the ONLY basis we have for prayer? God's love and mercy is it, folks. I hate to burst bubbles, but we have gone too long thinking that we deserve to have prayers answered because we are good. When Moses was interceding for the Israelites, he appealed to God by way of the promise that had already been made to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob (Israel). David asked for forgiveness because he knew that the Lord's love was unfailing and that His compassion was great. Jeremiah remembered all of the bitterness that he had upon seeing Israel go into captivity, yet he remembered that because of the Lord's love we are not consumed. The promises that the Lord makes are based on who He is, not on who we are. We would do well to remember that.

Celebration

So I'm a little late with this post, since I've been thinking about it since American Independence Day (I have to specify, since Brazil's was a little over a week ago).
I was thinking, though, about celebration in general, for I thought very little about "the 4th of July" since it wasn't being celebrated here. It really made me realize that celebrating anniversaries aren't worth squat if we don't celebrate them in our day-to-day lives.
I can't tell you the date that I got saved (I do know I was 12 -- that gives us 365 days to work with). What I can tell you is that 14 years later, my life is a celebration of my salvation. Before you think that sounds cocky, read on. I celebrate the fact that God finds me, a sinner, worthy to preach His name before men. I celebrate the relationship that I have with Him. I celebrate the fact that He is faithful -- not in doing whatever I want Him to (that would certainly be awful!), but in seeing His own will carried out. How can I celebrate without telling others?
I have friends that I have definitely learned to appreciate. My best friend from childhood is definitely very different (read: complete opposite) from me. To try to explain that fully would take too long. I smile a lot, shake my head, and think "that's just like her." I have many other friends that I do that with as well. I am loving the fact that I can appreciate our differences, or those things that I think are totally illogical, or those things that make that person a unique individual. I also love the fact that a lot of them seem to appreciate those things about me. So, let's celebrate! Every day, every hour.

How's your family?

I was thinking the other day about what causes our families to go through major changes. I have come up with the following:
-kids going off to college
-kids getting married
-kids having kids
-divorce
-moving
-having kids
-getting married
-death
I am wondering more and more about what my own reaction should be to my family's major changes. The very nature of a change suggests instability. I happen to like stability. Not necessarily order and regimen, but definitely stability.
During a major family change, I do not want to be defined as the family stabilizer (which I sometimes feel is my default role, as the oldest of 4 children). I have been told that it's a role that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I am a mediator. I dislike confrontation. I sincerely want everybody to stop their bickering and get along. Right now, that's the one thing I can't have. And so, I have to deal with it. How? I haven't decided quite yet.

The burning question

I have figured out what my central question in all of these wonderings is: Who am I going to allow to define who I am? Am I going to allow old friends or new friends to define who I am, according to the lives they live? Am I going to allow co-workers or bosses to define me? Am I even going to allow me to define me? I hope not -- my deep desire is that I will let Christ define who I am and who I am going to be.

Who am I?

I am being faced with myself, which is one of the hardest things to face for me, and I'm sure for a lot of us. I am a sinner, I am a plethora of paradoxes, I know who I am, but don't know who I want to be. I can't figure out sometimes if I'm showing the real me to others, or if I am just putting up a face for them to see. On the surface, the paradoxes are even many. For example:
Some days I want to live in the big, big city and some days I want to live in (Texas, Montana, Wyoming) and own a ranch and horses and be able to ride every day into the wild blue. I love to be outdoors and hike but I'd like just as well to go and get a massage or a manicure and dress up for a fancy dinner. I love to go see the theater (as in Broadway shows) but I'd just as soon stay home and have a nice home-cooked meal. There are many, many more, but you get the point.
I'm not sure why these things bother me, except that I know very few people who are the same way. Maybe I'm not opening my eyes wide enough.
Being faced with my own outside is not nearly as scary as being faced with my own inside, which I suppose is why I focus on the outside for now. The thoughts that cross my mind, the words that come out of my mouth, I have to wonder where they come from. So many of them don't come from someone who is radically loved by God. But that is what I am. So why is my human nature still winning so many days? Sometimes I conclude that it must be something that I am doing wrong, and that I am not trying hard enough to be "good" or that I am not pursuing God closely enough. Those are tricks of the devil, for God has shown me none of those. There is a simple truth: there is no one righteous, and I am included. The greater simple truth is this: Jesus Christ came into this world to save sinners, of which I am one. Praise the Lord!

A Path of Suffering

I am beginning to learn that suffering doesn't necessarily mean being persecuted for our faith, or being diagnosed with a terminal disease, or whatever we think of as being on the "grand" level of suffering. I, for one, am beginning to understand that suffering is present in our everyday lives, in a broken family, in a broken heart, in a thing as simple as the short word of a friend. These things seem senseless, and they do not follow what we think should be the normal path of life.
Finished reading These Strange Ashes, by Elisabeth Elliot, today, and am certainly encouraged by her words. In it she speaks of her own first year as a missionary, single and dead set on doing the Lord's will. Her words and her attitude of surety that she was doing the right thing remind me of the things that I have felt and said (if even only to myself) over the past year or so. Her heart was set to do the will of the Father, but she had doubts, and she had disappointments, and she had hurts. It is through these doubts, disappointments, and hurts -- in short, suffering -- that we learn who our Lord truly is, and that His ways are best, even when we don't understand them.
I know full well that the thing that God requires of me today is ruthless trust. Trust without hesitation, without reservation, without hindrance, pure and simple trust, like that of a child. Trust that Daddy knows what's best for us. Maybe that's what Christ meant when He said that we must receive the kingdom of heaven like little children.

A new home

So we've been looking for a new home for both of our cats for quite some time now, since we are leaving in November and none of us are ever home. I'd much rather have a dog anyway. The search became more urgent when I was innocently playing with Samantha and she scratched me on my finger -- it's not a pretty sight. I am pleased to report this wonderful news: WE HAVE FOUND A HOME FOR OUR CATS! And so, we bid them adieu tomorrow morning.
Have I mentioned how excited I am?

What a life

So tell me if this is bad:
The highlight of our (mine & my roommate's) day was seeing some of the stars from our telenovela (much better than an American soap opera and great for helping me learn Portuguese) up close. We were with a team, and the Americans just didn't seem to understand what we were so excited about.

Risky business

I've figured out (with a little help from my roommate) that sometimes being the one to give my opinion is a huge risk. I risk being rejected, I risk my advice or opinion not being heeded (which sometimes is neither here nor there), I risk being separated from others, and I risk being alone with nothing but the truth (and sometimes my own misery) to keep me company.
I desire more than anything else to speak the truth to others in love, and I am finding that it hurts when they don't want to hear it. Why do I want this so badly? Chalk it up to college experience, and the fact that hearing the truth hurts much less at the beginning than it does farther on down the road. To me, anyway.
A bit melodramatic, these two paragraphs, but they will stand thus, because they are truth for my own life.

Working out

Yesterday, I was reading Philippians 2:12. Here is what the tail end of it says: "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling." What does that sound like to most people? The way it is translated goes against everything I know about salvation. It looks like we are required to effect our own salvation. Not true. Again, the Portuguese is better. It can be literally translated, "put into action your own salvation." As in, salvation is something that you already have, you just need to "use" it. Let people know you have it. Do you have to earn it? No. You have it when you receive it. What is the evidence of your salvation? Putting it into action. Ephesians 2:10 says, "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." We are created to be doers of good, but that doesn't get us into heaven.

I WILL not grow weary

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint."
I was reading Isaiah 40:31 the other day (suggestion from a friend) and noticed something really cool in the Portuguese. In English, all these verbs are in the future tense; i.e., they have not happened or are not happening yet. They are something we have to wait on. In Portuguese, the present tense of the verbs is used, so the verse would be translated something like this: "But those who hope in the LORD do renew their strength. They soar on wings like eagles; they run and do not grow weary, they walk and do not grow faint." It's a great thing to find out while I am running around like a crazy chicken with my head cut off. That is, that because I hope in the LORD, I am running with endurance. Not because I have it in myself, but because He is giving it to me, day by day, minute by minute. Bring on the race!

All it takes is a little imagination

I have certainly been expanding my imagination while I have been here, especially over the past week. Last Sunday, I decided that I'm going to pick a new place that I'd like to live (it was New York City) and try a new place in my mind every week. During the week, while working in the pharmacy (with a window in front, where others could watch me work), I felt like I was in a fishbowl. And so my roommate and I decided that I should be a different kind of fish every day. Unfortunately, we didn't decide this until Thursday, so I only got to be 2 kinds of fish. Thursday I was a rainbow fish (apparently they are colorful and smile all the time, no matter what the other fish are doing), and Friday I was a herring (having watched part of Monty Python and the Holy Grail the night before). Oh, what fun! Maybe I'm making up for being such a practical child....

Extra grace

I find myself needing a little extra grace lately, and it made me start thinking (along with reading in Exodus 16) about the Israelites and the manna. How do these two subjects relate? Perfectly, I say. The Israelites had to gather the manna every morning if they wanted food for the day. If they didn't gather, they had nothing to eat. If they gathered too much, it didn't last until the next day -- they had to go out and gather again. One of my favorite verses in there says "He who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little." The Israelites were responsible for gathering their own manna.
So it is with my own spiritual food. I am responsible for gathering it. Jim Elliot said that though we can be encouraged and uplifted by others, we cannot hold others responsible for our own feeding. We must dig into the Word and harvest its riches as the Spirit sees fit to reveal them to us. I pray that I will be disciplined and responsible enough for my own spiritual state that I may gather as much as I need every morning.

Have you ever noticed?

That the things that we see as faults in others are the very things that we ourselves may need to change? It causes me to question whether or not I need to change things about my own life, which is good, but other times it causes me to second-guess myself and wonder if I need to change things that are just me and don't need to be changed. That's the not-good kind of self-evaluation.
God knows that there are still tons of things that could be changed about me, but He is working on them, and I pray that He continues. It is a slow process, becoming the woman He wants me to be, but it's good to know that I'm not working on it alone.

Oh, how rude

I'm not sure why people have to be rude. I don't know if I will ever figure that out, though I probably shouldn't waste time trying. Are people rude out of their own insecurity? Out of the fact that they know they're not in control? Out of the fact that they need to be in control?
I've been having to decipher lately what constitutes rudeness as well, both coming from me and coming from others. Berating or calling out in front of others? If done in seriousness, not in jest, then it's rude. Have you ever heard the phrase, "Praise in public, criticize in private?" Or "Praise, then criticize?" Well, there are people in this world who have heard neither. I am not entirely sure that it hurts my feelings when it happens to me, but so be it either way. I try not to let it get to me, but somedays.... It just bothers me because there's no cause for it. No one should have to put up with rudeness. Ever. People need to learn that.

I think I've lost it

Sometimes I think that I’d lose my head if it weren’t connected to the rest of my body. Do you ever have those days that you just feel like a ditz? I do. And I’m not, which is the problem. (Those of you who know me, keep your mouths shut). The word in Portuguese is desligado – disconnected, of sorts. I’m not sure what the problem is here. I am in the first half of six straight weeks of medical clinics and I am already forgetting things. I think that I need an alternate memory source, like gingko or something.
One summer, one of my employers wore a small notebook around her neck that said “MEMORY.” I’ve decided that I need one of those. Maybe it would be a big help.

Simply life

Today I am struck by the fact that I can find such joy in being able to something as simple as getting a fresh-roasted chicken and french bread from the corner store. I am learning (re-learning, I should say) to find joy in the simple things.
I want to be happy in who I am, and happy in God, and happy in all the things that He has given me. I want to passionately pursue Him, and I want to find Him. I want to be passionate about life, and to live it to the fullest, because God gives me such wonderful opportunities to live!
Today I am still amazed that I am here, especially when I look back upon the course that has led me thus far. Three years ago, I would never have dreamed that I'd be doing this, but here I am, and I love what I do. There is no wrestling of spirit about being here, because I am learning to rest in the place that God has called me to.

You want me to do WHAT?

Some days, there are definitely not words to express how inadequate I feel to be a beacon of light in the darkness. Sometimes it passes, sometimes it doesn't. I definitely have had days of feeling inadequate, days of feeling like I can conquer the world, and days of amazement at the fact that I am even here in Brazil. I have been chosen for a noble calling, the same that all Christians are called to do.
Spread the gospel. Proclaim that Christ died and rose again. Until I came down here, I'm not sure that I really understood that. My first week here, I was put up in front of a classroom full of school children to tell them about why the Belmont University basketball team was in Brazil playing with them. Surprisingly, it was much easier than I ever thought it could be.
I have been forced to depend solely on Christ and the riches that He has for me. I must remember every day that He is bigger than all of my feelings and my attitudes and my thoughts and my actions and my words. His purposes always stand, and I think that means drawing men to Himself. He is good. Taste and see! Don't forget that.

Naturally, this comes next

What comes out of your mouth on a daily basis? I like to think that I've gotten pretty good at editing the thoughts that come across my mind enough to come out of my mouth in a presentable way, or to not come out of my mouth at all. Sometimes, though, that part of my brain that does the editing doesn't work as fast as my mouth and I end up saying things that I really shouldn't say. You know, I spent a whole summer trying to learn that, and all I learned was how to talk in code (and a LOT of verses out of Proverbs)! Marshmallows upon marshmallows of red kool-aid (or red Power-Ade before 10 am, I can't remember which) code. All on the way to Baton Rouge in the stolen Beefmobile, for some odd reason. There are only 2 people in the world who would understand anything about those last 2 sentences. And so, code either isn't that great or is too useful.
I am learning that it is much safer and not necessarily much easier to give our thoughts and words over to the Lord. He has saved me many times from saying things I shouldn't -- He offers my mouth restraint that I can't give it. He guards the door to my lips better than I ever could.
When do my words get me in trouble? When the editing part of my brain doesn't work fast enough. Maybe I need to practice more.

Guard your heart

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23
Guard your heart from what? People? Things? Hurtful words? I think that sometimes in reading this verse we are tempted to shut people out of our hearts and our lives. I don't think that the Lord ever meant for us to shut people out. Christ didn't. He let people in, and He allowed them to grieve Him, and He allowed them to make Him angry, and to make Him happy. Yet He was without sin -- there was no evil in Him.
If you will, allow me to call it "trash control." There is such trash coming into lives through TV, movies, radio, and other people that it's a wonder that any of us are nice anymore, and it's no wonder that we are losing morality by the day. I don't mean this as a rant of legalism, for that gets us nowhere. The Bible says "You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him" (Matthew 12:34-35). Now while I recognize that any good in us is given from God alone (did not Jesus Himself say "Why do you call me good? No one is good except God Himself."), the evil in us comes from the moment that Eve made mankind sinners. Where does the evil come from? Look around you. There is evil waiting everywhere to snare us, bit by bit.
Guard your heart, then, from the evil around you. Guard it from the evil that is in you. God tells us that the heart is deceitful above all things (Jer. 17:9). Guard it from wrong thinking about God and who He is. God tells us through the apostle Paul to test all things, and to hold fast to what is good, and to avoid all kinds of evil (1 Thess. 5:21-22).
As for people, there is certainly no sure way to tell if they will hurt us or not. There is always risk. But Christ took the ultimate risk in coming down to the earth, even as a baby in a manger (that's a cow's feeding trough, folks!). Through His risk, we now have the beauty of salvation. With Him, we have a sure thing. He does not change -- Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Heb. 13:8). He is always good. Flood your hearts with His life.

Let's keep it simple, folks

That's one of the crazy things down here, I think. The Catholic church is a very strong presence here in Brazil, which is one reason I'm so anxious for people to come down and get a taste of the misinformation that people are given, even from within the church! I asked someone one day if he was going to heaven. He said "Yes." I asked him then, "Why?" And he said, "Because I'm a boa Catolica (a good Catholic)." I asked him how he was saved. He answered "Mary." No mention of Jesus anywhere. It's an amazing thing to me how corrupt religion as a whole has actually become. Does that disillusion me? Actually, no. It's frustrating some days, but it motivates me even more to spread the message of Jesus's death and resurrection. Some days, I have to stop and think about what it is that I truly believe. Before I came down here, I wrote The Apostle's Creed in the front of my journal. We grew up saying it every Sunday in church. For awhile I didn't hear it because I was in my first few of years in college and not going to any church regularly, but I have begun to hear it again in the past few years. It's sweet music to my ears now, because with all that is in the New Testament, it's a concise list of my basic beliefs.
I think that even I have made Christianity complicated. We in America have become apologetic about the gospel. Jesus was not. The gospel is what it is, just as God said to Moses, "I AM who I AM." It is simple and basic. Let's keep it that way.
I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
the Creator of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord:
Who was conceived of the Holy Spirit,
born of the Virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died, and was buried.
He descended into hell.
The third day He arose again from the dead.
He ascended into heaven
and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty,
from whence He shall come to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit, one holy church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and life everlasting.
Amen.

No time to turn around

The past few weeks have been a blur. I am beginning to understand how difficult this job really is, for so many reasons. Number one, there is no down time. I have to force myself to sit down at night and read my Bible instead of going right to sleep some days. There are always others around, and though they are fun people, sometimes I just want to be alone. Number two, there is a different group of people coming in every week, and they are all very different in their work styles, in their personalities; in short, we have to figure each new team out, person by person.
God is teaching me a lot about working with people -- about figuring out how our work styles can converge and be both effective and efficient, and even fun.
As tired as I am, though, there is no other place in the world that I would rather be than right here.

Never in doubt

So the previous post gave attention to my penchant for being opinionated. This one gives attention to my friends who put up with it.
Take one friend, for example. I told him what I thought about something that was going on in his life. He wrote back, saying that he knew and understood what I thought, but that he wasn't going to take my advice. Now I've known him for quite awhile, and I am so blessed that I have friends who will let me give my opinion, but who also feel free not to take it if they don't want to.
My roommate told me that my friends can't complain that I didn't give them my opinion on a situation, good or bad. Sometimes that extends to people who don't know me as well, so they take offense to what I have to say. They don't stop to consider whether it's right or not -- my opinion may be wrong! As a good friend once said, "I may be wrong, but I'm never in doubt."

Acho que....

Okay, so I'm opinionated. I can't decide if that's good or bad today. I've found myself giving people advice on their love lives, though they didn't ask for it. They haven't gotten mad at me -- yet. We'll see if it stays that way. I tend to tell people how I think it is first, and let the consequences come. Do I mean to hurt people's feelings? Nope. I'm actually a pretty nice person, most days. Sometimes it just happens that way. I want so badly to be honest with people, to speak the truth in love, yet I can come off as uncaring and mean when I share my opinion.
I do try, though, to let people make their own mistakes. I also try not to say "I told you so" too often. I am learning that there are good ways and bad ways to tell the truth. I, unfortunately, am not very adept in telling truth in the good ways. I don't know how other people manage.